I have thought about the differences between Alzheimer's disease and Picks disease. There is not much difference and the prognosis is the same.
How was Peggy chosen for the disease because it is a rare disorder?
What made her vulnerable? I ask that question a thousand times.
I could ask that question a million times and still not get an answer.
Last night, I thought of all that Peggy has missed during the past years. All the birthdays, all the Christmas', all the special family times. Thinking of this made me cry...again.
I could raise my voice and yell that this is not fair!
This is not fair to Peggy and it is not fair to me or to all the people who know and love her.
Life is not fair sometimes, I know that from living and breathing.
It really doesn't matter what takes a person that we love away.
The fact is that they are gone from our lives and they are not coming back.
I need to learn to deal with the emptiness and the pain.
I need to learn to go on with my daily lives.
I need to learn to deal with the anger of being left behind.
I need to learn to touch the emptiness but not hold on to it too tight.
Sometimes, I hold on to the emptiness that Peggy left to tightly.
I can be like a dog with a rag in it's mouth in a contest with another dog. Refusing to let go of the rag of my grief.
If I let the rag go, the dog on the other end of the rag would win. It is difficult for me to let the other dog win and let go of my grief.
When I refuse to let go of the rag of grief over losing Peggy...I die too.
I die while I live.
I think that the person we love looks down on us with tears in their eyes when they see us dying from grief.
They could not control the fate in their lives but we have a choice.
We have the choice to die while we are still living. Continuing to hold tightly to our grief rag. Or we can learn from a life lived and let go of the grief rag and live again.
I can almost hear Peggy's voice shouting to me on some days.
For goodness sake, ML.....
LET GO OF THE RAG!
I Love You Today, Peggy!