Sunday, June 25, 2006

THE GRIEF RAG

I have thought about the differences between Alzheimer's disease and Picks disease. There is not much difference and the prognosis is the same.

How was Peggy chosen for the disease because it is a rare disorder?

What made her vulnerable? I ask that question a thousand times.

I could ask that question a million times and still not get an answer.

Last night, I thought of all that Peggy has missed during the past years. All the birthdays, all the Christmas', all the special family times. Thinking of this made me cry...again.

I could raise my voice and yell that this is not fair!

This is not fair to Peggy and it is not fair to me or to all the people who know and love her.

Life is not fair sometimes, I know that from living and breathing.

It really doesn't matter what takes a person that we love away.

The fact is that they are gone from our lives and they are not coming back.

I need to learn to deal with the emptiness and the pain.

I need to learn to go on with my daily lives.

I need to learn to deal with the anger of being left behind.

I need to learn to touch the emptiness but not hold on to it too tight.

Sometimes, I hold on to the emptiness that Peggy left to tightly.

I can be like a dog with a rag in it's mouth in a contest with another dog. Refusing to let go of the rag of my grief.

 If I let the rag go, the dog on the other end of the rag would win. It is difficult for me to let the other dog win and let go of my grief.

 When I refuse to let go of the rag of grief over losing Peggy...I die too.

 I die while I live.

I think that the person we love looks down on us with tears in their eyes when they see us dying from grief.

They could not control the fate in their lives but we have a choice.

We have the choice to die while we are still living. Continuing to hold tightly to our grief rag. Or we can learn from a life lived and let go of the grief rag and live again.

I can almost hear Peggy's voice shouting to me on some days.

For goodness sake, ML.....

LET GO OF THE RAG!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

5 comments:

rha4497496 said...

ML,

Don't beat yourself up for not being a super hero and dropping the rag.  You will when the time is right.  You and your continuing story of Peggy and your lives together have touched me more than I could ever explain.  I am sure it has touched others too.  You were meant to share Peggy's story this way.  If you had not, I would not be here sharing it with you.  Thank you for this unselfish and noble act.  Peggy is lucky to have you for a sister.   Love, Robyn

ajquinn354 said...

Mary Louise, you said it all in your words. Peggy wouldn't want you to not enjoy your life to the fullest, I've been concerned after reading your words that you were not going to be able to find peace in your heart and acceptance that you can't do anything more than you are doing for Peggy already; she knew and I believe knows even today how much you love her, when you see her a special hug is felt by her even though she doesn't hug you back.  She is and always will be your special Sis, that is a bond that even illness can never take from you.  Keep your spirit up, allow yourself to laugh and smile each day, you have to find peace in your heart dear so that you can enjoy life again.  It's what your Sis would want for you....Bless you and Peggy....Arlene (AJ)

wendy4145 said...

Tell it to your heart right?

Need to let go...  Need to get on with every day life.....

Your head can think how you wish you were feeling, but your heart doesn't give a damn what the head thinks would be best.  This is a tough thing to deal with, and you have handleld it more wonderfully than anyone i have seen with this type of thing.  

Sure, Peggy wants you to be ok.  And you will be.  I think the waiting is the torturous part.  

Your heart can tell your HEAD a few things.  There are no rules in this.  And you will continue to cope as best you can.  I think when Peggy finds peace, you will also.  Even though her untimely illness happened while she is so young. I feel that God has special plans for Peggy.
Love,
Wendy

mcsgrl37 said...

 
 Mary Louise, I think you feel like that "rag" is the last thing you have left of Peggy, and you refuse to let it go.  If this is what helps you get through the day, then hold on tight.  My Mom has this dreadful disease also, so I can empathise with you.  When the pain gets so bad , just let your tears clean your heart.
Peggy will always be in your heart, so if you take a break once in a while and do something for yourself, it is okay.  God Bless you, and anyone who has a loved one with this awful thief, Alzheimers.  Mary

sugerb6 said...

Mary Louise, I will never Let Go Of The Rag, part of me died when my sister died. My heart will never let go of her, that is all I have left, the rag full of precious memories.
Debbie