THE ALZHEIMER'S BAD DREAM

It seems that every day there is something new to deal with while talking to Peggy.

Yesterday and today when the conversation ended, I would tell her that I loved her today and then say good-bye. She would say good-bye but not hang up the phone.      I said, I'll call you tomorrow, bye. She would say bye and not hang up the phone. This went on for a few times before I realized that she didn't remember that she needed to hang up the phone. Finally, I said, I Love You, Peggy. I'll call you tomorrow. You can hang up the phone now. She said, O. K. and did.

It took a while before I was able to write today. The words just stirred around in my heart and wouldn't come out. Just a simple task like hanging up the phone...Gone!  At least it has been this way for these two day's. It might all change next week.        I never know what to expect or how to prepare my heart when I call and talk to her.               

I used the words "Talk TO her" and not WITH her because she can no longer carry on a conversation. I just keep talking and she answers with one word. I am thankful that she can still  repeat what is said to her. She has Not given up and knowing Peggy...She never will!

The sitter told me this morning that Peggy had a big smile on her face when she told her that I on the phone. So, I guess it is worth all of the pain that it causes my heart to call every day.

Alzheimer's pokes at her brain every minute with the precision of a swordsman.       It uses a sharp blade to cut out a little more of Peggy's memory.                                I can almost hear the clanging of the sword's metal in her speech each day. It is an unfair duel because Peggy has no way of picking up her sword and fighting back.

I still have trouble believing that this is happening to her.

Maybe, I'll wake up one morning and find that this has all been a Very Bad Dream!         

A Horrible dream about the disease Alzheimer's and my Baby Sister, Peggy.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true.

Someday, I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops away above the chimney top's. That's where you'll find me.

Some where over the rainbow, blue birds fly

If birds fly over the rainbow...........

Why then, Oh Why Can't I???????

I miss you Peggy and I'll continue to call daily and help you get over your Rainbow. Your voice was sad this morning..It was as if you know that you are leaving. I miss you more than You Know or Can Remember. I hope that you find your rainbow and a way to get over it. I only wish that there was more that I could do. I felt totally helpless this morning. I wanted to make You laugh...instead...I could only cry as you said Goodbye. You leave a little more each day and that hurts my heart because you are young and have so much left to do in this world..

I'll always think of you when I see a rainbow because your heart and eyes once shined with all it's beautiful colors.

Alzheimer's has taken that away from you but I will remember your shine and I will keep it in my heart.

Mary Louise

ALZHEIMER'S GAME OF HIDE AND SEEK

Have you ever played the game of Hide and Seek? Peggy and I would play that game when we were children.

We would usually play it on a rainy day when we couldn't play outside. I would close my eye's and count to ten while she scrambled to find a hiding place. I could always find her because she would hide in the same place every time. I always knew she was under the bed in the back bedroom. I could find her even if I had not known her special hiding place because she could never stop giggling!  All I had to do was follow the giggles and... there she was!

She could never figure out how I could find her so fast! I would tell her to find another hiding place but she always went back under the bed in the back bedroom and  would lie there with one foot hanging out, giggling.

Now, Peggy is hiding and I cannot find her. The game is not so simple any more. I do not have her giggles to lead me to her hiding place.

 Alzheimer's has taught her how to play The Hide and Seek game very well! 

Alzheimer's has taught her how to hide and not giggle. It has taught her to find a hiding place where no one has any chance of finding her.

Alzheimer's was hiding Peggy this morning and I couldn't find her.  There were no giggles to lead me to the place where she was hiding so that I could yell, You're It, while I ran back to home base.

Maybe, I should  check under the bed in the back bedroom......

 Just One More Time.

 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE ALZHEIMER'S OCEAN

I am learning that there are many levels of grief. Today, I talked with Peggy and didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. She was no different today than on most days.  I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back nor did I try to get her to remember.

Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some day's, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.  

 When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.

Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and the sea in my heart was calm.

I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again. But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back. There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.

Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of  rough seas or the storms that I see in the distance.

 I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.

I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try hard to ride the waves as they come. I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart. I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn  how to be a Buoy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

THE ALZHEIMER'S FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Have you ever been in a place where the noise level is so high that you cannot communicate with the person that you are with? Or in a place where a foreign language is being spoken and you cannot understand what is being said?

When this happens, I find myself speaking louder and slowing my words. Thinking that louder, slower words with hand and face gestures will get my point across. Even with all of that work, the other person looks at you with perplexed facial expressions. They use their hands to say, What? What?

Conversations with a person who has Alzheimer's can feel like that. One word answers to questions that may or may not make sense. Communication by words is not possible.

Peggy tries so hard when I talk with her. I can feel her working to sound normal. I try not to ask many questions because I don't want to put her in an uncomfortable place. We didn't talk long this morning because I ran out of things to say. I ran out of witty conversation and I didn't have the energy to get through the wall of Alzheimer's to where she is..Then, I thought of the song " To Where You Are."

"Who's to say for certain, maybe your still here. I feel you all around me, your memory's so clear. Deep in the stillness, I can hear you speak. Your still an inspiration, can it be.  Are you gently sleeping here inside my dream? And isn't faith believing all power can't be seen. As my heart holds you, just one beat away...I Cherish All You Gave Me Every Day"!

 Peggy and I do not speak the same language any longer. We cannot understand each other now when we talk. All  that we can still understand is the familiar sound of our voices. That is all we have left... but at Least we have that!

I miss Peggy! I miss her wit and humor. I miss her advice and her care. I miss her jokes and her concern. There is so much to miss about Peggy as she disappears but at least... for now, I can still hear her familiar voice. That was a comfort during my call this morning.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

MARY LOUISE AND PEGGY

When I started writing my journal, I never thought about anyone reading it or even caring about my grief. It was and continues to be my therapy.

I am very thankful for the comments of support that I have gotten over the months of writing. It has helped me more than any of you could possibly know.

Thank you for caring about our family and especially for caring about Peggy.

Thank you for believing in me before I believed in myself.

THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT TO CONTINUE WRITING ABOUT PEGGY AND THE GRIEF THAT I EXPERIENCE AS I WATCH HER DISAPPEAR.

Mary Louise

WE DON'T HAVE YESTERDAY OR TOMORROW BUT WE HAVE TODAY!

When Peggy took the phone this morning, there was sadness in her voice! I wanted to reach through the phone lines and give her a hug. I told her that everything would be O. K.  I shut my eyes, when I said that because I knew that I was lying. 

 I asked her who was there today. She said, Mother and Daddy.                   (Mother & Daddy are dead) 

After my call, I felt sad. Then I thought, I should not be sad because Peggy was privileged to see and talk with Mother and Daddy today!

I really believe that they were with her this morning. I would love to see and talk with them.....    Just one more time!

 I am glad that they were with Peggy and I know that they will stay close to her as she disappears. 

I asked Peggy to give them a big kiss for me and she said that she would.             I'm wearing pink lipstick and I think it would look good on Daddy's bald head and on Mother's forehead this morning!

We don't have yesterday or tomorrow...but We Have Today!

I Love You Today, Peggy!   Mary Louise