If you have followed the entries of my journal about Peggy, you know that my emotions run the entire gamut of feelings.
I feel hopeful and then down.
I feel happy and then sad.
I can go from zero to ten in one hour of thinking about her and how much I miss having her in my life.
That is the one truth about grief.
It is never truly.......... Over.
We learn with time, to manage the grief more constructively. We learn to expect the highs and the lows. We learn that we cannot change the facts of a situation.
We essentially learn to live in the mist of our grief and survive the ups and the downs.
Peggy has Alzheimer's and she is disappearing a little more every day. I can't change that for her no matter how much I want to change it.
If, I can't change this fact, I must learn ways to deal with the reality.
Sometimes...Reality just isn't the way we planned it to be.
Reality is real, it is the truth.
So, I will continue my journey up the steps of grief.
At first, it is like trying to climb a ladder where the steps are placed to high and to far apart for the length of my legs.
I leap from the first step to the next, with tired heart and no energy. Finally, I manage to leap to the next step, I land on my knees with my fingernails gripping the step, one level up. And it goes on until I reach the top step. When I reach the top of the ladder, I look around and am proud of my climb. I take a deep breath and think that I am doing just fine.
Then I hear a song, read a sentence, see a picture and I can see and hear Peggy. Her absence is painfully real again.
All of a sudden...
I am back on the bottom step of the ladder and am on another climb up the ladder of grief.
The difference is, with time...
The steps do not seem as tall or far apart and that makes the climb a little easier but....
I know that my climb up the grief ladder will last for the rest of my life.
I know this because I will never stop missing my sister as long as I have life.
So....... I will climb.
I will climb over and over again until I don't have to watch where I am going as I climb the ladder.............
Because I will know the way.
I Love You Today, Peggy! I Miss You!