Monday, September 18, 2006


If you have followed the entries of my journal about Peggy, you know that my emotions run the entire gamut of feelings.

I feel hopeful and then down.

I feel happy and then sad.

I can go from zero to ten in one hour of thinking about her and how much I miss having her in my life.

That is the one truth about grief.

It is never truly.......... Over.

We learn with time, to manage the grief more constructively. We learn to expect the highs and the lows.                               We learn that we cannot change the facts of a situation.

We essentially learn to live in the mist of our grief and survive the ups and the downs.

Peggy has Alzheimer's and she is disappearing a little more every day. I can't change that for her no matter how much I want to change it.

If, I can't change this fact, I must learn ways to deal with the reality.

Sometimes...Reality just isn't the way we planned it to be.

Reality is real, it is the truth.

So, I will continue my journey up the steps of grief.

At first, it is like trying to climb a ladder where the steps are placed to high and to far apart for the length of my legs.

I leap from the first step to the next, with tired heart and no energy. Finally, I manage to leap to the next step, I land on my knees with my fingernails gripping the step, one level up. And it goes on until I reach the top step. When I reach the top of the ladder, I look around and am proud of my climb. I take a deep breath and think that I am doing just fine.

Then I hear a song, read a sentence, see a picture and I can see and hear Peggy. Her absence is painfully real again.

All of a sudden...

I am back on the bottom step of the ladder and am on another climb up the ladder of grief.

The difference is, with time...

The steps do not seem as tall or far apart and that makes the climb a little easier but....

I know that my climb up the grief ladder will last for the rest of my life.

I know this because I will never stop missing my sister as long as I have life.

So....... I will climb.

I will climb over and over again until I don't have to watch where I am going as I climb the ladder.............                      

Because I will know the way.

I Love You Today, Peggy!       I Miss You!

Mary Louise




magogos said...

The way you have shared your grief throughout this process is extrordinary. It has helped me with some of the grief in my life, and I thank you. Margo

magogos said...

The way you have shared your grief throughout this process is extrordinary. It has helped me with some of the grief in my life, and I thank you. Margo

my78novata said...

I love your picture journal.
My moms mom died of A her dad and her aunt also. SHE has it I finally got her to drs but of course its the ones at UK becuase she retired from there and she wont go anyplace else and though he ran tests (the MRI said more than normal grey matter) she said Im suppose to have more Im older I said mom they know your age they mean for your age. the dr did tests and such and she does have her good days at this point she can put on her bsuiness suit now and again . she wont clean if I showed the picture of her room I took stuff piled high wall to wall you said yup thats a symptom. she says she will do stuff and forgets so she says.the dr never talked to us to ask what concerns we may have. A BIGGIE on the A sites the dr talks to family not just patient. its like this she does not get jokes (she use to) she told me swore keys were to her car they were toyota and dodge keys not the pointiac she drives after repeated askings I went and got her keys. she cant focus if tv is on she is zoned out of us. she "THINKS" she is doing things. she has us over for dinner we walked in door (i saw her standing at window watching for us) she is slinging stuff in the oven and no tables cleaned off (they have to be counter too as no space) and nothing sliced or ready. says shes been working all day (yeah Daddy said she sleeping or watching tv) . she has a mean bitter tongue too and its always poor me I have had life so rough anymore. So the dr says..... next year we will test again and maybe talk to family

daddyleer said...

A ladder is such a vivid way to help explain grief. ... and so true.

lsfp1960 said...

Just found your heart aches for the incredible loss your family is experiencing.  I've added you to my alerts.   Linda in Washington state