A MORNING CUP OF COFFEE

Dear Peggy,

I was thinking of you this morning as I drank my coffee.

When we got together, we spent a lot of time talking as we lingered over our morning coffee.

I'm sorry that you have forgotten that memory of us.

I'm sorry that you have forgotten...us.

My heart hurt this morning as I looked into the hot, dark liquid, wishing that it could tell me the secrets that are locked in your mind now.

I watched the surface of the coffee as it moved and shimmered with the morning light.

There was no magic on the surface of the coffee that would help me understand why you were chosen for this disease.

I just know that I miss you and.....

I am missing you.... Remembering me this morning.

Most of all Peggy,

I will always love you and remember the little things that we did as sisters.

Like, drinking a morning cup of coffee together and celebrating the day and being together.

We are more than just miles apart now but that is OK because..

 I can remember for both of us.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

WHISPERING HOPE

I was privileged to hear Peggy's voice on Saturday night.

It was not the strong voice with a musical lilt that I remembered. It was a soft, desperate sounding whisper.

She whispered in a fast monotone sound. While she whispered, there were no breaths that I could detect.

I kept telling her who I was and that I loved her but the whispering never stopped. She never seemed to hear my words.

Was she trying to tell me something? We used to whisper when we were children and the lights had been turned out at night.

Or, if we were in a place where talking was not allowed.

Was she reaching out to me in her whispers? Did I miss something in her soft, rapid words that I needed to hear to help her in some way?

After I hung up the phone a barrage of memories filled my mind.

All the whispering of our life time together came flooding back.

When we were girls we would harmonize while singing songs.

 Once a month, we would go to a park near our home and sing for a Senior Citizens group.

We started off our show with a song from Fats Domino called "I'm Walking" and we even added choreography. We always ended our show with a song called "Whispering Hope".

Saturday, while listening to Peggys rapid whispering on the phone, the lyrics of "Whispering Hope" floated back from the stage of Harrison Park where we stood and sang so long ago.

I could hear us singing that song to the people seated in the audience.

I just hope that Peggys whispering yesterday contained the hope of that song.

Here are the words to "Whispering Hope" and I sing them this morning for Peggy.

WHISPERING HOPE

SOFT AS THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL

  BREATHING A LESSON UNHEARD

HOPE WITH A GENTLE PERSUASION

  WHISPERS HER COMFORTING WORD

 

WAIT, TILL THE DARKNESS IS OVER

   WAIT, TILL THE TEMPEST IS DONE

HOPE FOR THE SUNSHINE TOMORROW

   AFTER THE SHOWER IS GONE.

 

WHISPERING HOPE

   OH HOW WELCOME THY VOICE

MAKING MY HEART

  IN ITS SORROW REJOICE.

 

IF IN THE DUSK OF THE TWILIGHT

   DIM BE THE REGION AFAR

WILL NOT THE DEEPENING DARKNESS

   BRIGHTEN THE GLIMMERING STAR?

 

THEN, WHEN THE NIGHT IS UPON US

   WHY SHOULD THE HEART SINK AWAY?

WHEN THE DARK MIDNIGHT IS OVER

   WATCH FOR THE BREAKING OF DAY.

 

WHISPERING HOPE

   OH HOW WELCOME THY VOICE

MAKING MY HEART IN ITS SORROW REJOICE.

 

After all those years of singing that song with Peggy, I finally understand the message of the song.

Peggy whispered to me yesterday and I remembered the words to a song we sang so many years ago.

A song that made my heavy heart feel lighter after hearing her give me what I needed yesterday....

WHISPERING HOPE!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

It was nice to hear your whispering hope. Thanks!

 

There is No time like the old time.....

when you and I were young!  Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

Mary Louise

 

CLIMBING THE GRIEF LADDER

If you have followed the entries of my journal about Peggy, you know that my emotions run the entire gamut of feelings.

I feel hopeful and then down.

I feel happy and then sad.

I can go from zero to ten in one hour of thinking about her and how much I miss having her in my life.

That is the one truth about grief.

It is never truly.......... Over.

We learn with time, to manage the grief more constructively. We learn to expect the highs and the lows.                               We learn that we cannot change the facts of a situation.

We essentially learn to live in the mist of our grief and survive the ups and the downs.

Peggy has Alzheimer's and she is disappearing a little more every day. I can't change that for her no matter how much I want to change it.

If, I can't change this fact, I must learn ways to deal with the reality.

Sometimes...Reality just isn't the way we planned it to be.

Reality is real, it is the truth.

So, I will continue my journey up the steps of grief.

At first, it is like trying to climb a ladder where the steps are placed to high and to far apart for the length of my legs.

I leap from the first step to the next, with tired heart and no energy. Finally, I manage to leap to the next step, I land on my knees with my fingernails gripping the step, one level up. And it goes on until I reach the top step. When I reach the top of the ladder, I look around and am proud of my climb. I take a deep breath and think that I am doing just fine.

Then I hear a song, read a sentence, see a picture and I can see and hear Peggy. Her absence is painfully real again.

All of a sudden...

I am back on the bottom step of the ladder and am on another climb up the ladder of grief.

The difference is, with time...

The steps do not seem as tall or far apart and that makes the climb a little easier but....

I know that my climb up the grief ladder will last for the rest of my life.

I know this because I will never stop missing my sister as long as I have life.

So....... I will climb.

I will climb over and over again until I don't have to watch where I am going as I climb the ladder.............                      

Because I will know the way.

I Love You Today, Peggy!       I Miss You!

Mary Louise

 

 

BREATHING BACK THROUGH TIME

Peggy has entered a new phase of Alzheimer's disease.

She has forgotten how to feed herself and must be fed.

This disease is interesting in the way it takes a person back through time.

When she was a baby, she had to be fed, clothed and taken care of as any baby would be.

Peggy has entered the baby phase.

She has traveled from a mature woman, back through Alzheimer's time.

I have often wondered what it would be like to travel back through time to another era in history. To see the history that I have lived unfold before my eyes.

If I were able to do that, I would have a difficult time not saying...Don't fight that war, don't launch that shuttle, don't go to work or visit the Twin Towers on September 11th 2001.

I could change history by giving those warnings. But...would anyone listen?

If I could go back to the first time that I noticed a difference in Peggy, could I have given her a warning for her to get help sooner.

Could I have changed her diagnosis by my early warning?

One day in the future, people will feel sorry for our generation. They will shake their heads and wonder why we didn't know the answer to Alzheimer's and Pick's disease sooner. Just as we look back at the millions of children who died from Measles, polio and other childhood diseases.

My Grandfather died from Gallbladder surgery in the 50's. Now, it is a routine surgery with tiny surgical wounds.

One day in the future, Alzheimer's disease will be a fixable disease.

But for now, in our time...we are losing intelligent, wonderful people who continue to travel back through the time of Alzheimer's disease.

They travel from an adult with hope and promise for a bright future to a small infant who must be taken care of day and night.

As Peggy travels back through the time Alzheimer's has given to her, she will not only forget how to feed herself....

She will forget how to breathe.

One day in the future, there will be no Alzheimer's and Pick's disease...One day....

But for now, until that day comes....

Breathe, Peggy, Breathe.

Each breath that I take is a prayer for you. A prayer that you will not forget how to breathe today, tomorrow or this year.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Just Breathe.

Mary Louise

 

SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001---SEPTEMBER 11TH 2006

I remember this day in 2001.

I was watching the television when the second plane hit the tower in New York City.

I remember thinking....

I'm glad that Peggy doesn't know what is happening today.

I'm glad that she is inside of her mind and isn't effected by the outside world.

I was glad for Peggy that day but sad for me.

I couldn't call her and share my feelings. I couldn't tell her that I was scared.

I can't call her today, five years later. I can't tell her about the scared places in my life.

Even so....I'm glad that she was spared September 11th, 2001.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss sharing with you.

It doesn't have to be a day like September 11th to make me miss our sister sharing.

It just has to be...............

 A regular day.

Mary Louise