Thursday, January 12, 2006


I had written a complete journal entry this morning.

All that I had to do to complete what I had written was to add the pictures.

I accessed my pictures and chose the one that I wanted to use and

To my dismay, I got this message on my screen...

AOL has encountered a problem and must shut down.

As I saw my words vanishing from the screen, I began to shout at the computer in a loud voice ..NO...No...NO!!!! I started to click on save at the bottom of the journal before it could completely disappear.

Nothing helped and I watched helplessly as my journal entry went away.

It vanished from the screen like the words were never written.

I know as a writer, that one can never recapture all of the emotion that went into the entry this morning.

I could never write the words exactly as I written before. I continued to say, NO, NO NO as the words slowly slid from the screen into cyberspace.

I thought that if I shouted loud enough at the computer screen my loud refusal to let the words go would somehow stop the process.

I have learned many things  while watching  Peggy Disappear......

  I have learned that sometimes, there is nothing one can do to stop the losses of life.

No matter how good we are at denial.........

No matter how loud we yell,  NO......

No matter what we do to keep our lives a certain way...

Some where along our life path, we learn that we do not have control over many parts of our lives.

Sometime, we just have to let go.

That is the hardest part of watching Peggy disappear....

I am not ready to let go and I still feel the need to shout, NO!!!

When my words disappeared from my screen this morning, I was so frustrated that I simply walked away.

I couldn't stay away because more words were roaming around in my head. So at 3:22 pm,  I returned to the computer  and wrote this entry that is very different from the one that I wrote this morning and is floating in Cyber Space.

I react to losing my sister as I reacted to the AOL shut down this morning  by shouting,NO,No, No!

My words in this entry are very different from the words that I wrote this morning.......As different as Peggy is today.

But, I keep the memory of the words that I wrote this morning about my sister and write them  again...Only.......

They will be in another form....

Just like Peggy is in another form

I Love You Today Peggy!

Mary Louise


barbpinion said...

Every time I read an entry from this journal I think of how blessed Peggy is to have a sister like you.
Big hugs,

wendy4145 said...

It is so frustrating when that happens.  I lost a long importnat note before and It does cause us to yell "NO."

yelling "no" at a loss of words is one thing... yelling no at a loss of a sister/friend is so much worse.

Im sorry that your "no"  time  of losing Peggy is such a long term thing.  I like the bad things to rush away quickly and the better things to last to be enjoyed for a long time.

That's why the blessings in the catastrophies are so importnat.  Letting go is hard, letting go slowly does allow us to say goodby and to say things we always wanted to say, Like, I love you Today Peggy!    It will be a special day when the two of you remember together again some day.  This journal wouldn't be without terrible catastrophe.
I agree with Barb, your sisters are lucky to have you!