BEING ALIVE AND LIVING

I have discovered while watching Peggy disappear that....

There is a big difference in being alive and living.

Peggy is still alive but without the living of life.

This is another lesson that Peggy has taught me. It is important to live every day and not just get through the day. It is important to live and not just exist.

So, my New Years Resolution is to make a conscience choice to live and not just be alive.

Thank you, Peggy.

Happy New Year!

Tomorrow will be 2005...A new year to live life to the fullest while it is still mine to live.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Thank you for another lesson to take into the New Year...2005!

I Miss You!

Mary Louise

 

SMILE

 SMILE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

  

Smile..though your heart is aching.

Smile even though it's breaking.

When there are clouds in the sky..You'll get by.

 If you smile through your fear and sorrow..

Smile and maybe tomorrow..

You'll see the sun come shining through...For You!

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of Sadness...

All though a Tear may be ever so near...

That's the time you must keep on trying..

SMILE, what's the use of crying..

We'll see that life is still worth while...

If..... WE JUST SMILE.

We love you today, Peggy!

We miss you're smiling face!

We will all smile for you!

Betty Jean, Barbara, Johnny & MaryLouise

A PLACE CALLED....JUST IS

A PLACE CALLED "JUST IS".......PEGGY'S PLACE.

I wonder what it would be like to live in the place called "Just Is" like Peggy does!

I wonder what it would be like to forget Christmas or to forget my life!

 I admit that sometimes it would be nice to forget the pain that I have experienced.  But if I forgot the pain, I would also forget the lessons learned from the pain because everything would be erased. The pain and joy that I have experienced  have been great teachers and are helping me live a fuller life!

Peggy is getting worse and I am aware that one day she will not be able to talk to me. I cannot imagine not hearing Peggy's voice in my life.

I continue to try and wrap my mind around the concept of no past or future.  We are all a combination of our pasts, our present and our futures. Those memories dictate how we live our lives every day.    

Peggy doesn't seem to be scared or afraid at all.   She has no fear of what will become of her as she slides into Alzheimer's Disease  more every day. I am thankful for that and that she is living in a happy place called "Just Is."

Peggy's "Just Is" place is a place where she is content and happy.                               

In her Place.. She is the one who decides who visits with her during the day. There are only invited guests. There are only guests that make her happy.

I am thankful that Peggy's "Just Is" place is a safe and a happy environment as she continues her journey and slowly disappears.

Some times, I would like to knock on the door of her mind and have her invite me inside so I that I could visit and understand what she is feeling..

BUT

She Lives in a "JUST IS" place where she has Forgotten...

AND

I Live in a Place Where...

I CAN'T REMEMBER..... TO FORGET!

I Love You Today, Peggy

Mary Louise

GIFTS...... TIED WITH HEART STRINGS

What kind of gift do you give someone who doesn't remember who you are or what you meant to one another?

I struggled while thinking of a gift to give to Peggy this Christmas.

She doesn't want or need material things. She doesn't remember what a gift is any longer. She doesn't remember Christmas or me.

So,  after a lot of thought, I decided to give her gifts that are .....Tied with Heart Strings!

I will give her the gift of my laughter.

I will give her the gift of my time.

I will give her the gift of my remembrances.

I will give her the gift of my care.

I will give her the gift of my love.

I will give her the gift of pictures.... from our past as Sister's.

I will give her the gift of my voice every day.

I will give her gifts that cost no money and are not material in any way because Christmas is a time for gifts from the heart.

The best Christmas gifts are always tied with Heart Strings!

I remember when my children were small and they gave me gifts tied with heartstrings!

They had pride and joy on their faces as they presented their gifts to me.

A hand drawn picture.

 A figure molded from clay.

 A hand sewn apron.

A toy Raccoon glued to a wooden spoon. 

I especially loved the wad of masking tape that was covered in sparkles!

My heart sang when I received those gifts from my children's hands on Christmas' long ago.

So now, I must think of gifts to give my Sister, who is a small child again in many ways and needs........

ONLY GIFT'S TIED WITH HEART STRINGS!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Today, Peggy!

Merry Christmas Eve  2004

Mary Louise

BECOMMING REAL

One of my favorite books is "The Velveteen Rabbit" by Margery Williams.  

The Velveteen Rabbit is a book about becoming REAL!   

A little boy received a stuffed rabbit for christmas.The rabbit was beautiful, his coat was spotted with brown and white. He had thread whiskers and his ears were lined with pink sateen.

The little boy fell in love with his rabbit. One day, the Rabbit asked the Skin Horse, the oldest toy in the nursery, What is REAL?  

The Skin Horse replied..REAL isn't how you are made!         It is a thing that happens to you. It happens when someone loves you for a long time, not just to play with but really loves you!

Then, said the skin horse, you become Real! 

The rabbit didn't notice, as years went by, that his velveteen fur was getting shabby and his tail had become un sewn or that the pink of his nose had been kissed off, his whiskers had been loved off and the pink sateen of his ears had turned gray.

The boy thought his rabbit was still beautiful. 

His rabbit had become REAL and when you are real...

Shabbiness doesn't matter.

A Loved one is forever real and beautiful.   

Peggy has changed but she is still beautiful to me!            She is my velveteen rabbit!

She is teaching me to be real in my everyday life.

It is difficult to be real while I watch Peggy disappear but her disappearance is helping me to emerge.    

I Love You Today, Peggy.   

Merry Christmas 2004    

Mary Louise

 

 

MISSING A PART OF MY HEART

My Mother had five children.

I was the first to move far away from Alabama and home. I'll never forget my first Thanksgiving away from home and family.

Later, Mother told me that there were 5 parts to her heart and a part of her heart was missing on that Thanksgiving.

Being young, I thought..Motherrrr, you had everyone else there!

It took age and gained wisdom to know exactly what she meant when she made that statement.

This Christmas, even though I have everyone that I love around me.........

A Part of my Heart is missing.

It is the place where Peggy used to live and bring joy, laughter and crazy, funny presents. Like the "chicken" that we would send to one another in our Sister gifts.                                                           No one knew from year to year who would get "The Ugly Chicken".

I really miss the chicken!            

No one has gotten it in several years and so it must have been a gift to Peggy the last Christmas that she remembered.

The Chicken stopped with Peggy. Just like so many other things stopped when Peggy forgot how to remember.

This is how Alzheimer's disease is especially vicious. The person that is missing in my heart this Christmas is still alive.

Peggy just doesn't remember Christmas....

And she doesn't remember...Me!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Sending you my Christmas Memories of "The Chicken"...with love!

Mary Louise

THE VELVET SHOES

It is always difficult to call Peggy and hear the flat sound of no remembrance.

 It is especially difficult during the Christmas season because I remember so much. I remember all of our Christmas times and cannot give the gift of those memories to her.

If I could give Peggy one gift this Christmas it would be a pair of  velvet shoes. 

She could put the shoes on her feet and hear the crunching of the snow as she walked back to her memories.

The velvet shoes would leave a path of footprints in the snow that could would lead her back home again, back to the place where her memories are waiting for her.

Back to the memories of................

Christmas and back to the memories of love.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Merry Christmas.

Mary Louise