Saturday, May 13, 2006

I CANNOT STOP THE TRAIN

Peggy cannot talk to me on the phone any longer. I am losing the privilege of hearing her voice.  With that lost priviledge, I can no longer pretend on some level in my brain.

My layers of grief protection are being pealed away, one layer at a time.

Each time a layer of protection is removed, I have to re-adjust my thinking, my feelings and the grief of watching her disappear.

The disease gets more real to me every day as it cuts off any avenue that I had been using to reach my sister.

As Peggy slides farther and farther away and the realness of watching her disappear comes closer and closer at an alarming speed.

Alzheimer's disease is like watching a train fly down the tracks at increasing speeds, out of control and the horror that I feel is that........

There is no way that I can help or stop the Alzheimer's train from taking Peggy with it as it flies down the tracks.

All I can do is stand by the tracks and watch the speeding train pass.

As the Alzheimer's train roars past me.....

 I see Peggy in the window of the speeding train and I can only watch .....

As she disappears down the tracks.

I Love You Today Peggy!

And I grieve that I cannot stop the train that is taking you away!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

8 comments:

pharmolo said...

Keep up with it...

mgmturner said...

Mary Louise,

The portrayal of your life and love with Peggy truly touches my heart.

Through your journal, I have a better understanding of what alzheimer's really is.  Too often I would have said during a forgetful moment, "uh oh, I think I'm coming down with alzheimers" just as breezily as I might have said I was coming down with a cold.  I truly didn't understand, until I began to read your journal of love and loss.  I will never be blase' about alzheimers again.

I have begun to view alzheimers as a thief who walks right into your house and steals one precious object at a time while you stand by and watch over and over again as the essence of your home walks right out the door with that thief.

Thank you for this testimony of love, and for educating those of us who needed to understand.

Hugs,
~~Gwynn

wendy4145 said...

Mary Louise,
   
    That is a very beautiful way of explaining Alzheimers and it's effect on you and Peggy. I thought of ripping off a bandaid.  We can rip it off slowly or quickly.  Either way, it is painful and we lose some hair.  Either way it takes its toll on us. Either way it makes  us stonger.
    I feel your grief and saddness that the time has come for your forever friend to lose deeper contact with you.
I pray for your comfort and strength at this time.

Love,
Wendy

sanforized6 said...

I've been remiss of late, BUT, want you to know I read most of yours because they make me realize how frail we are. So sad, wish I could do something. My thoughts are with you, DAMN TRAIN!!! rich

califgirltoo said...

hello,

Someone sent me your blog regarding your loved one.  My mom had dementia for many years.  We never had her diagnosed since everyone said that the illness could not be reversed.  I know the pain of losing the look of love from my mom.  The blank look which took my mom will never be erased from my mind.  In my heart, my mom will live forever.  I'm sure that you have felt similar feelings.  My heart and soul reach out to you with hope!

Melinda

louis929 said...

Mary Louise:  You have so eloquently described the workings of this horrible illness.  Everyday I go to the nursing home to see my husband.  Some days are slightly better than others, but gone is the vibrant, deeply spiritual person he once was.  He is just a shell of that once lively man who enjoyed life and who loved me with such a deep love.  His course was quite slow until about two years ago at which time it began progressing more rapidly and now the train is going faster and faster and I am powerless to stop its course.  As a lifelong "control freak", I've come to realize there really is not much in life that we can control, least of all this horrific disease

I'm also going through it with my mother.  She is in an assisted living facility.  I'm not really sure her problem is Alzheimer's.  Her symptoms are more consistent with what used to be termed senility.  She kind of lives in the past and repeats herself a lot.  I'm running out of space, but thank you so much for putting your journal online.  I look forward to each new addition.  Hugs, Kathy L.

my78novata said...

I dont talk about it in my journal since my mom read it but her mom , dad and aunt died of alshiemers. She has it I KNOW what it looks like but she wont get help shes in denial. Im an only child so its a loosing battle. Its sad.

jcgeorgiapeach said...

I read your journal weekly, and each time I'm inspired and grief-stricken at the same time.  My heart breaks everytime you describe what Peggy is going through, so little of it is about you, yet your pain comes through with every word.  Prayers continue for peace...~Peachy