ACCEPTANCE AND LEAVING

Peggy continues to sink deeper into her world of Alzheimer's disease.

She seems happy and content but cannot verbalize any longer. She carries on a conversation with herself and I wonder what she is thinking and saying.

Her conversations with herself must be comforting to her because she seems happy.

It still feels strange to be eliminated from her world.

I will talk to her this weekend even though I know that it will be a one way conversation.

She does not have to say anything to me because she doesn't remember me but....

 It would be nice to hear her say my name again. Saying a persons name means that you remember who they are.

I'm glad that I can remember for the both of us when I talk to her. That helps get through the strain of hearing her familiar voice and knowing there is no recognition of who I am.

There is a point in the decline of a loved one with Alzheimer's disease and it is.....

 The point of acceptance.

Acceptance does not come easy and I have fought it for years as I have watched Peggy disappear.

Acceptance is easing into my mind and I know that for Peggy, there will be no cure.  I  have accepted that fact intellectually but still hang on to the tiny glimmer of hope that a cure will come for her.

I am learning to accept that the life that I knew with Peggy is over except for the memories. I am learning to accept that there is nothing that I can do to change that fact.

It is like living in a house for 50 years and spending the last night there. It is walking through the house with all of my belongings and memories of Peggy packed up.

I walk through the empty rooms of my mind where Peggy used to live.

I look around and see the memories of a life time all packed in boxes. I touch each box with tender care, remembering.

I walk out of the house for the last time and close the door but do not lock it. I walk away from the house and pause to look back over my shoulder. I can see a little Peggy and Mary Louise running in the yard. I can see us sitting on the front porch and counting the cars that pass by.

I can see us walking out of the front door in our prom gowns on the arm of our dates.

I can hear us as we lie in bed giggling and sharing secrets. I can also hear us argue when we were mad at one another.

There are so many memories in the house where Peggy and I used to live.

I know that it is time to look away from the house and walk away and I am taking small steps down the walk.

I still look back at the house where we spent 18 years together as we grew up.

 I will never forget what it felt like to live there. And

I will never forget the courage it takes....

To leave.

SOME PEOPLE MAKE THE WORLD SPECIAL JUST BY BEING IN IT!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise