Thursday, March 2, 2006

COMFORTABLE....UNCOMFORTABLE

Peggy husband told me that she is satisfied and happy most of the time.

She likes her room and the people she sees every day in the nursing home.

Peggy is comfortable in her world of Alzheimer's disease.

I am thankful that she finds her world is comfortable.

I ask myself this question...

Why am I so uncomfortable when I think of my sister in her Alzheimer's world of comfort?

I should just be happy for her and I am most of the time but the selfish part of my mind is angry.

Who should I be angry with?

Peggy for being comfortable and forgetting about me or should I be angry at myself for having these negative feelings?

My world is uncomfortable when I think of Peggy and what we have lost.

I thought we would grow old together and be these two cute old ladies stirring up our part of the world.

Instead, she is living in her comfortable world and I will grow old without her in my life and a part of me will always be uncomfortable with that realization.

I will grow old but the memory of my sister will make me stir my world a little harder.

That what being uncomfortable does.

It will make me search for ways to find the comfort I need to get through any challenge that comes my way. I do not have Peggy in my life to discuss every day problems or joys.

Peggy may not be a physical presence in my growing older.

But her laughter and fun loving nature are a part of who I am and will be.

There will just be one old lady walking through the rest of my life. That old lady will be me but I will carry a big spoon with Peggy name on it...

Just to keep the world around me stirred up....In her honor

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss you.

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

4 comments:

wendy4145 said...

You won't grow old alone Mary Louise.  Peggy doesn't want you to.  She will be with you in a special way (the spoon with her name on it)  but you will stir up your end of the world with a sister or best friend.  You are not alone even though you are lonely for your favorite sister.

You are justified to be uncomfortable with Peggy's comfort.  I am glad Peggy is comfortable.  I pray for God to send you a sister friend like Peggy to share life's ups and down's with.  I'm sure Peggy will still be there in a special way.  But sit alone?  No, not you.  Only if you want to.
Love,
Wendy

dwhee70041 said...

Mary Louise,  Very touching journal.  What a great medium for dealing with lifes issues.  I especially liked the pictures of your father.  I have lost both parents and a sister.  Life is to short and never fair.  My faith has been my friend.
Thank you for visiting my journal.  I am going to add you to my alerts, if it is all right with you.  Best regards, David

inafrnz247 said...

I understand this discomfort....

A month ago, in my Nana's world, she would never be able to tell us what she did at the nursing home that day, or what she ate.  She would not be able to remember that we were there after we walked out the door.  But she knew us, and that was amazing...  Now she is in a completely different world.  She no longer speaks and isn't eating.  I'm not comfortable at all with her being (living) this way, and I feel so guilty.  

sorry to give this all to you.  This is your space, and I have my journal.  I just knew that you could be someone that could understand, this sadness that the family feels when their loved one is "gone".  My thoughts, prayers and love goes out to you and Peggy.  Michelle

caragricke said...

I know I can never take Peggy's place and don't want to because she was so special  but I will grow old with you... # 2 sister....Barbara (Cara's Gricke)