Sunday, March 12, 2006

THOUGHTS AND QUESTIONS

Peggy said a three word sentence the other day. This is very unusual because as she slides deeper into the disease, her verbal skills are being lost.

The sentence, said to her husband gave me chills and made my heart ache for him.

He told her that he was going out of town and would not be visiting for a few days.

She looked at him and said................

I DON'T CARE!

He has been waiting all of this time to hear her say a sentence and the words she chose were hurtful and cold. That is what Alzheimer's disease does to a brain, it takes the warmth and loving feelings away

It made me wonder, how much does she still know?

How much does she still feel?

Was she just having a bad day or did she mean to be hurtful with her words?

There is no way to know but I do know that if she had said those words to me, it would have cut a chunk out of my heart.

Maybe, she doesn't need to care any longer. Maybe, she is still protecting herself from hurt and pain.

Or maybe, she just....

Doesn't care any longer.

She has no idea at this stage of Alzheimer's disease, how many people still care and pray for her every day.

How could she know when Alzheimer's is blocking the messages of love, care and warmth from her brain.

My fear and the pain that it causes is that she thinks that I don't care. But how could she think that when she doesn't remember who I am any longer....or does she?

I care so much that my heart cannot hold all of the pain that I feel just thinking that she feels alone and thinks that I do not care.

I will care until there are no thoughts left in my brain and soul, until there is no memory of Peggy in my mind.

I Love You Today, Peggy and...

I CARE!

Mary Louise

 

 

9 comments:

mosie1944 said...

Such a touching entry.  You know Peggy was a caring person before this thing took her captive.  She just doesn't have capacity to care for anything these days.

luvinmythreeboyz said...

I am sure she knows you all care and love her deeply.. but maybe she feels like she is a burden even though she is not and using a reverse phyc on you all to try and hurt your feelings.. to let you get on with your life.. she prolly thinks this way even though you all care for deeply and spending every moment with her is importnant and importnant to you guys,... You are a great friend... I respect you totally - Heather

stormie4851 said...

I Care..................Stormie

wendy4145 said...

Ouch!
Maybe she was angry that he wouldn't  be visiting and that is how she expressed her anger toward him.
Even though her anger may really be at the distase.  If she is angry at all.
She may have intended to reply (I 'll be ok) but "I don't care " are the words that came out.  Maybe at this stage she can't care, and she just expressed her honesty.  One thing is for sure... It wasn't personal.  One must try to understand that her words are not meant to hurt anyone.

I care too.
ML I know this is so very  painful for you.  I hope you can feel a load of weight removed as you share your pain with us.
Love,
Wendy

whitedove3622 said...

We can only speculate what it is that made Peggy say those three words. I believe that all your love is going to Peggy some how some way. Love never comes back void it will accomplish what its sent to do even if we do not see the results. God knows and God is love. In Him is no darkness at all. He is there with Peggy to comfort her because of your love.

magogos said...

I am so sorrry for your pain. I care, too, and hope that somehow deep inside she knows she is loved, no matter what words come up out of her darkness. Margo

xxroxymamaxx said...

Oh please don't think that she doesn't care!  I remember when my dad was struggling with the cancer and was on so many meds, he would be so mean to everyone.  Even me, whom he would have never ever have talked to like that.  So I knew it wasn't really him doing that.  And I'm sure your sister doesn't mean it either.  Have a great week.  GBU, Shelly

ericanbiloxi said...

First time visiting your journal, but I want you to know that it really touched my heart. We should all love our siblings like you love your Peggy. My great uncle took care of his wife with alzheimers for over 20 years and till she became so violent that the Dr. had to step in and tell him that she would kill him. Now my uncle was in his early 90's and loved his wife like there was no tomorrow. Even after she was placed in a nursing facility, he still came every day, early so he could still take care of her. My uncle died about 4 years after she was admitted into the home and she is still there today. She was very loud and very rude in all that she spoke and to whomever she spoke to. I can not imagine how hard it must be to see your loved one turn into someone so diffrent and wonder just how much she understands and realizes just how much you all love her.

Hugs
Erica
Http://journals.aol.com/Ericanbiloxi/SouthenComfort/

loisontheweb said...

       HOW ABOUT THIS THOUGHT ON PEGGY'S SENTENCE:
  Since she cannot verbalize well, the finer points of semantics can overlap in meaning ... how about if the real thought that she meant to convey was that whatever was necessary for him to do was okay with her ... not to worry????
   In that case ... it really meant, "That's Okay, don't worry about me".
LOIS