Wednesday, May 18, 2005

A FIELD OF FLOWERS AND PAIN

Peggy didn't want to talk today. Why should she? She has no memories to share and is listening to a stranger talk about things that she can't remember.

She will be going to an Alzheimer's facility soon for two days a week.

I think that it will be good for her to have more to do than sit in a chair and watch television all day.

I miss her so much and wish, deep down, that she missed me a little.

I awoke yesterday morning in a panic. I dreamed that I couldn't remember my son's childhood. It took a few minutes and deep breaths before I was able to calm down.

That is the major difference between Peggy and me.

She doesn't panic because she doesn't remember. She appears calm in her blank world while my world swirls like a tornado in my head. 

I have dreams about forgetting my life and I have a recurring dream about Peggy.

I am in a beautiful green field with rolling hills. The sun is shining and the sky is a brilliant blue. I am walking through the field and stooping to touch and smell the flowers that lay like a carpet under my feet.

While smelling a flower, I see a dot on the hill in the distance. I keep looking at the dot and notice that it is getting larger. I stand up with a flower in my hand and watch as the dot becomes a person.

Then, the person comes into focus and I realize that it is Peggy. She is running toward me and I drop the flower and start running toward her. As she gets closer, I see that she is crying and I run faster to meet her.

We meet in the middle of the field and her face is contorted in pain. She is crying so hard that she cannot speak and her mascara is running down her face.

She is mouthing the words, Mary Louise, help me, help me!

I reach for her but my hand hits a plate of glass and I cannot get to her. The glass divides the field down the middle and as hard as I try...I cannot get over, under or around it. I cannot get to Peggy and I panic because I can see that she needs me.

I realize that I cannot get through the glass to comfort her in her grief and pain.

I place both if my hands on the glass and mouth the words, I love you, Peggy.

Still crying, she places her hands on mine and we stand there, together but miles apart.

Alzheimer's is the glass between us and there is no possible way to get to her or to help her.

All I can do is keep my hands on the glass covering her hands and say to her.......

I Love You Today, Peggy and I won't leave you in this field alone.

Lisa Lorden pinned these words.

My sister is my strength.

She hears the whispered prayers that I cannot speak.

She helps me find my smile, freely giving hers away.

She catches my tears.....

In her gentle hands.....

I will continue to catch Peggy's tears while pressing my hands over hers.......... on the glass that separates us.

The glass devide called.......

 Alzheimer's Disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

4 comments:

wendy4145 said...

Your dreams....  

Your dreams about Ross' childhood is just worry energy that you will get alzhimers.  My gut feeling on that is that you WON't get it.... but i understand your concern.

Your dream about Peggy is so very realistic.  It is an exact example of what has happened and is happening.

I think that the beautiful grass and the scene where ya'll are running toward eachother  is a sneak preview or your meeting again in heaven... and the  glass is the fact that you have to wait to be reunited together..

Yes, she needs you...
Yes, you want to be there for her.
Yes, you will be reunited in the beautiful grass, but without the tears and running mascara, without the glass wall bewtwen you.  You and Peggy will get that meet up that you both long for.
She really does know that you love her.  And she will be reunited with her mind again Mary Louise.
Love,
Wendy

magogos said...

You make me cry with every entry, and I want to thank you for this terrible gift you share with us. With love, Margo

sanforized6 said...

Once again you have stopped me in my tracks. I can not pass by your journal without feeling emotions I seldom feel. You are doing great things for many people with your wonderful method of telling your sister's story. Thank you so much. rich

thebaabee said...

Mary Louise,
Your entries always have such an impact on me.  You are such a wonderful sister to write this legacy for Peggy.  I wish I could have such loving feelings as you do. Love LuAnne

http://journals.aol.com/thebaabee/LUANNESLIFELIVINGWITHLUPUS