JOHN NOW

PEGGY AND JOHN

Peggy is very happy right now!
She laughs and smiles. It is like she is in a very safe, happy place in what is left of her mind. I think she must be in the happy toddler stage. If she has to go backward in her mind, I'm glad she is content.
I love you today, Peggy! It has been a long road that is not over yet.

Now, about my husband, John.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease 2 years ago but I had noticed symptoms for 5 years because of watching Peggy disappear.
I know he has Parkinson's but he is declining in his memory also. I am going to ask the Doctor if he could have Alzheimer's too.
He has so many of the same symptoms that Peggy had early in her disease.
He was a brilliant man. Head of several departments at a huge medical center. A public speaker who kept people glued to the topic he was discussing.
Now, he can no longer read. He has trouble speaking and does not know how to make change. He has balance problems and falls a lot. He can no longer tell time or drive the car.
We used to talk and discuss many issues, now, he sits and is very quiet.

He looks like the John that I knew but isn't any longer.

I search the Internet to find anything to help him.
It is like having a child instead of a husband.
I am scared and very lonely. I have support groups etc. but I miss my John, the old John.
I am very tired of handling everything but I see him with much love and will do what I need to do to help make life easier for him.

I am going to start a new blog about John soon. It will be called "DON'T LET GO OF MY HAND, JOHN"
We have always held hands since the summer of 1962 when we met.
I feel him slipping away and I will never let go of his hand!!!!!!!! I know that there will come a day when He will let go of mine! Please, hold on John...Don't let go.......
Please, don't let go!!!!!
I love you Today, John!

Mary Louise

DISAPPEARING

Peggy is down to 100 pounds. She is very happy. Sings and laughs all day. I'm so glad that her last months on earth will be happy.
Too bad that I cannot celebrate with her.

It is true that I have missed her so long that it will be easier to let her go.
Time does heal....but my oh my......it sure takes a long TIME TO HEAL.

The wounds will heal over in time but the Disappearance of my sister is burned in the wound and will not go away...until I do.

Now, I face yet another challenge......Watching my Husband Disappear from Parkinson's Disease. He has an aggressive form.
Life is not fair sometimes.

Watching Peggy is helping me to watch John go slowly away.

I love you today, Peggy!
I love you also, John We will face this together!

PEGGY CONTINUES TO DISAPPEAR

I got this new picture of Peggy yesterday, I couldn't believe that this old tiny person

is my youngest sister. Alzheimer;s disease has taken her mind and now, her beautiful body. One thing that the disease will never take away is her wonderful smile. She does laugh and smile a lot.

I guess Peggy has another few months on this earth. At least....she smiles, walks and is generally happy but she is beginning to forget how to chew and swallow so time is counting down for her.

I have cried all day and even experienced a panic attack when this image got into my head.

The only thing that I could still see through my tears as they fall and I write this entry...... is

Two sisters running barefooted through our neighborhood in Birmingham, Alabama. Climbing trees, roller skating, riding bikes, making clover chains, walking to Joe's store with a nickle each to buy a devils food cake or a grape Popsicle. I remember first dates, last dates and crying in the front bedroom when we were hurt by a boyfriend.

PJ and I shared so much of our selves with one another all through our lives. Alzheimer's came and stayed in her mind and has erased all of her memories but....I still remember, Peggy.

Seeing this photo of you made me aware that you will be leaving us soon. Far to early. You missed so much of your 40s,50s and just turned 60.

I will never forget this picture of you, Peggy!!! Not because you look bad but because You look tired and ready to leave. I know you want to go because you flashed me your beautiful smile in the picture.

I am heart broken tonight and the tears block my view of the keys,

PJ, When you die, will you do me a favor?

Find Mother and Daddy and tell them I am doing OK but sure miss them.

Just like I am missing you.

Thank goodness that we had such fun growing up as "THE ROSS GIRLS"

Thank Mama And Daddy for that when you see them and give them My biggest bear hug!

You know the bear hug PJ...The one you hated to get from me! Ha Also tell Daddy that his little Porky Pig is wishing she could hand him one more tool as he worked on cars in the back yard!

Take care of them, Peggy and I know they are excited that their baby girl is coming home to them

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

WATCHING IS NEVER OVER

It has been a long time since I have written about my journey with Peggy. So much has happened in my life.
Peggy is the same. Happy, content and smiling......but it seems that I may have to write another journal. It will be titled....
Watching My Husband....Disappear.

Sometimes, Life is not fair.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I Also Love You Today, John and will until the 12Th of Never!

Mary Louise

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY...Peggy & R

Yesterday was Peggy and her husbands wedding anniversary.

Only...............................

She doesn't remember getting married, her husband or how beautiful she looked in her wedding gown.

She doesn't remember how excited she was or how lovely the church looked on that day.

Peggy's anniversary yesterday was just another moment in time.

We never know what the future will bring or how it will change who we are or who we have been.

Peggy and R never realized on that joyous day 39 years ago that they would spend this special day with only........

One of them remembering their wedding day.

And they never dreamed that this special anniversary would be celebrated in a nursing home.

I Love You Today, Peggy!
I will never stop missing you.

Mary Louise