A PEGGY GIFT

One of the most important things I have learned as I have watched my sister disappear........

When someone you love and have depended upon all of your life disappears,

you are forced to find yourself.

I have learned to find my own strength, my own own inter- voice, my own  inter- parent.

I didn't realize how much I depended on Peggy to tell me that everything would be Ok, everything would work out and that I would be OK.

I depended on her and she, on me.

Now, she doesn't need my guidance and I have been forced to find my own.

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I miss her very much but I am learning to depend on....

Me!

Thank you, PJ!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

OUT OF MY EYES

I see the world around me when I look out of my eyes but

I cannot see myself.

I can only see myself if I have the reflection of a mirror or something

else that projects my image back to me.

 My world can become small if I look out of my eyes and

 cannot process what I see.

I understand the world around me because my

brain sends a message to my eyes. I learned as I grew that a tree was a tree,

a car is a car, a house is a house.

What does Peggy see, now that her brain is not sending the correct messages to her eyes. Does she remember that a tree is a tree?

I wonder if her eyes recognize that she is Peggy when she sees her reflection in the mirror.

Does her plaque filled brain send the message to her eyes that a chair is a person or a person a chair?

Peggy whispers a lot and seems to talking in a language that only

she and the person that she is whispering with in her mind can understand.

I have many questions about this disease and its effects on the brain. At present, my questions have no answers.

As I continue to try and figure this out it occurs to me.....

It really doesn't matter what Peggy sees or who she is talking with in hushed whispers during her day.

What matters is that she doesn't feel afraid or lonely. She smiles a lot and is content and happy.

If content, cared for and happy is what she sees when she looks from her eyes....

I'm glad that she can still see.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

THE BACKSTROKE, THE BUTTERFLY AND UNDERWATER TURNS

 

Photo by MaryLouiseRossHarris ...March 2007

                                                                                                     

I don't like to feel anger but I think it is healthy to feel and

acknowledge that it is there...then learn from it and move on.

I also think that it would be un-natural to say or pretend that

there is no anger while watching someone you love disappear from your life.

Maybe, I am the un-natural one for feeling and acknowledging

my anger at Peggy from time to time.

I love Peggy dearly but I still feel abandoned by her in many ways.

I struggle with feeling anger towards my sister because I know that she would have never chosen this path for her life. She had no say in disappearing from the lives of all who love her.

I feel bad sometimes because it feels like that I am the only one who feels this anger or will acknowledge it.

Peggy has been and always be a special person in my life.

I have to think about my anger when it rears its ugly head.

It forces me to sort out and understand where it is coming

 from and how to handle it.

I feel this is the only way that I can grow as a person and as Peggy's sister.

I think of my anger as a tea pot boiling on a stove.

 Once I reach the boiling point and spew out my feelings

I can remove the heat, which is the anger under the pot.

Only then can I think, sort and understand some of the

mixed feelings that I encounter from time to time

where Peggy is concerned.

I love her, no matter what. She is in my prayers all through the day

and if I wake up in the night.

I have felt anger toward Peggy during our lives as sisters.

I always told her why I was angry and she shared

her anger with me.

I think that if you love someone, you care enough to get angry.

I'm not talking about destructive anger but constructive anger.

Maybe, even a little poor me anger from time to time.

 

I love and care about my sister, Peggy and...

I'm still angry that she went away!

I think that is a OK statement to make because if our fates were reversed, Peggy would be giving you an ear full of her anger

about my leaving!

That's just the way the Ross girls feel about one another.

We love each other enough to get angry and share that anger with one another but always with care.

Anger doesn't need to be loud and abusive.

It may be hurtful but it can be a stepping stone to growth

if one is willing to learn.

I think that I grow each time that I am honest and

acknowledge that I have feelings of anger concerning Peggy.

It does not hurt Peggy and will not hurt me if I understand

where it is coming from and strive to learn as I go through

this long process of watching her disappear.

I know that I grow each time that I refuse to sit in the anger

for very long.

I have found that I never have to sit in my pool of anger

for very long before I learn something interesting about myself.

I have learned that if I sat in my pool of anger for to long...

I  would drown and be of no help to anyone.

I have learned so much while watching Peggy disappear.

I have learned that I can be angry with the disease and with Peggy

and it is OK to have those feelings.

I have learned to jump into the pool of my anger, swim around for awhile, get out and dry off.

I Love You, Peggy and thank you for teaching me how to swim.

I'm perfecting the back stroke, the butterfly and the

quick underwater turns.

You will be proud to know that I am swimming better every day!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise