I wrote this letter to Peggy.
I did not intend to share it with anyone.
I thought that as raw as my feeling were,
it might be important to someone who has similar feelings.......
while they watch someone they love disappear.
I have felt an angry edge all summer.
I wasn't angry at anyone in particular but felt that I was carrying some angry feelings that I couldn't put my finger on.
Where were they coming from, who was I angry with, why did I feel this way?
I know that you don't know or probably care that I haven't come to see you in a long time.
I didn't even know why I couldn't bring myself to see you, I just knew that I couldn't and didn't want to if I am honest.
I have been searching my mind and trying to figure me out!
Not an easy task for the brightest psychiatrist or renown therapist!
You, Peggy Jane could always see right through me and did many times! You could point out things to me before I could see them myself.
I have to admit that it wasn't always a pleasant experience.
You know how much I have always loved you. You were my audience when we were growing up. You were my biggest cheerleader and my friend as we grew into adults. I depended on you and you on me.
So, why can't I come to see you now? Why have I dug my heels in and stood firm?
I have beat myself up over this dilemma, believe me.
I have thought it was because you really wouldn't even know it was me or that I had traveled many miles to be where you live now.
I have thought it was because I hate to fly or drive that far.
I have thought it was because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing you as you are today.
I have thought and thought, analyzed and sorted out reasons.
The truth is Peggy....
I'm scared that you will not know me and that would break my heart. I have protected my heart all summer and to have it broken in a moment .... I'm not sure my heart is ready for that right now.
I'm scared, Peggy!
You were the most kind and caring person in the world. I couldn't take not seeing those traits in your eyes now.
I know that it is not all about me, it never has been and you know me well enough to know that..if you remembered me and I don't think that you would or could for more than a moment.
Another big thing that I have discovered about me, Peggy is...
I am so angry with you!
I am so angry!!!!!! You know how mad and stubborn I can get in my anger.
I am so...SO Angry with YOU!
How could you do this to me and to everyone who loves and cares about you??
How could you leave like this?
How could you just retreat into yourself like you have?
How dare you be here in body but not in mind?
How dare you!!!!!
I know that Mother taught us to be patient and kind to anyone who was ill but Peggy....
She never told us how to handle something like this.... Something like you getting sick and going away but NOT going away at the same time!
I feelso much anger towards you tonight, Peggy!
I just had to write it down.
There is one major thing that I have learned over the years and
You only get angry with someone you trust. Someone you trust
and someone who will hear your anger and not go away.
You always heard my anger and never went away, Peggy....
What am I supposed to do with my anger towards you now????
I have anger towards you, Peggy and you are not here to hear it because you have really....
I Love You Today, Peggy! Through the anger and tears.