The Peggy that I knew has been absent from my life for a long time now.
I think of her every day and say prayers for her constantly in my mind.
It has become a way of life...my life without the sister that I love.
I still think of calling her when something happens in my day but I know that she won't be there to listen and care.
It is a strange feeling to become comfortable in these feelings because I fought them for so long.
I saw a show last night about Elvis Presley. He had finished his preformance and left the stage but people in the audience were frozen in place. They were screaming and crying and waving their tickets for one more song, one more glance, one more sight of him on stage. While the people were calling and screaming for one more anything from him, a voice came over the auditorium speaker and stated.........
Elvis has left the building!
It meant that there was no need to scream and cry for another look at Elvis. No need to wave a ticket and demand that he return. The croud of fans would not hear his voice from the stage one more time. Because as much as the people longed to see and hear him again,the show was over and Elvis had left the building and wasn't coming back.
It took the crowd a while to calm down and realize that the show was really over. People were still crying and wanting more when they slowly realized that there was...no more.
In many ways, that is where I find myself with Peggy.
It will never be the same.............. With her or Without her
I don't think that being resigned to her leaving means that I have to give up hope. I don't think that it means we love the person any less. I do think that it means we move on in our lives while still loving and caring and being there for them in a variety of ways.
I am not saying that I will ever move so far away that I forget about the Peggy that I knew. I never could because she has helped to mold me into the person that I am today...but the past is a nice place to visit but not a healthy place to live.
I don't think that I will ever give up hope that one day, she will just wake up, like in fairy tales or the movies. That is who I am and will always be...hopeful.
Peggy has lost so much time at this point in her life if she did wake up, she would see that the world that has moved on and changed without her. Children have grown to fine adults, grandchildren are years older. Sisters and brother have aged and changed. Peggy would be surprised at all the changes in the world and in herself if she woke up today. None of us are the same as when she slipped away years ago. Wanting her back is selfish on my part because it would be very hard for her to adjust to all the changes. I want the old Peggy back but I am resigned to the fact that the old Peggy is gone forever, even if she were to wake up tomorrow.
I have been doing a lot of deep thinking tonight. I'm not sure if any of it will make sense to anyone but me.
All I know is that my sister Peggy is no longer the sister that I knew and that feels strange. It feels strange but it has become a part of life for me now.
There will be no more contact with the old Peggy. The Peggy that was comfortable in my life for so many years because........... like Elvis....
Peggy Has Left The Building.
She left a long time ago but like the Elvis fans.........
I have been sitting in the auditorium of yesterday, frozen to my seat and waving the ticket of all my Peggy memories hoping that she will reappear one more time.
I will never give my ticket away because it is too precious. It is the ticket to the "Peggy Show" that plays in my mind even though....
Peggy Has Left The Building!
I Love You Today, Peggy!