Sunday, January 14, 2007


I wrote in my last entry that I tend to analyze everything that I don't understand.

I wish that I had a brain "pause control" or at least a volume control to turn down the constant questions that bounce around in my head.

Sometimes, I can figure things out but mostly, the questions are never resolved because they really have no answers.

The "why" of my head noise is always with me.

I can never do a project without trying to figure out how to do it a better way.

I was thinking today about making the simple hug better so that the feeling could last forever.

My daughter hugged me goodbye yesterday as she was leaving and I wanted the feelings of that hug to last forever.

I was wondering if there is a better way to remember the exact feelings of a hug good-bye.

I do know that a hug goodbye feels different from a hug, hello.

A hug you give to someone you care about contains all the feeling you have assigned to that person. A hug from that person carries the assigned feelings that they have given to you.

Peggy and I shared a lot of hello and goodbye hugs over our lifetime as sisters. We hugged goodbye in front of our houses, at airports, at our parents home and many other places.

We hugged goodbye at those times,  knowing we would see one another again.

I am trying to remember our last hug goodbye. The hug that said we would see one another again. The hug that let me know that she knew that I was Mary Louise, her sister.

It has been so long ago that I am slowly forgetting how it felt.  How it felt to know we would see one another again and talk and laugh again, that we would share our lives again on the phone or in person.

Peggy's hugs, since she developed Alzheimer's disease are stiff and wooden. I can tell by her hugs,  the assigned feelings that made me her sister are gone.

Now, she has completely forgotten how to hug. Her arms hang limp against her sides as arms surround her in a hug.

It's just a simple thing...a hug.

A simple thing that carries a world of feelings gathered over a life time.

Peggy has forgotten how to hug and she has forgotten how to send assigned feelings that are encompassed in a hug.

I have started to forget how our last hug felt. I have trouble remembering where and when ourlast real hug took place.

I do not have Alzheimer's disease and I am forgetting the feelings that always surrounded our good-bye hugs. The feelings that said I love you and will see you again. The feelings that said, call me if you need me and the feelings that said, I need some breathing time away from family. All of that could be said in a simple hug.

  I think that time helps us remember the hugs good-bye but not the feelings attached to the hug as clearly any more.

It is a simple thing...............A hug.

It's interesting how something as simple as a hug can be..................

 Missed so much.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


wendy4145 said...

I think you will recall how her hugs felt.  After you get over the fact that you miss her hugs so much.  Then you can remember your hugs with Peggy forever.


pharmolo said...

There are so many things everybody takes for granted that continue to be taken away from Peggy. I cannot imagine your pain.

amyrangei said...

Hugs are such an important part of human life.  My mother grew up with parents who never showed affection, she broke the cycle and showed us affection all the time, it's the same with my kids.  After this entry I'm going to give them big hugs.


motoxmom72 said...

Hugs are important to a person's emotional well being. It connects you to another in a way that is special.  Connection with my kids through hugs has always been important to me.  I also always hug and kiss my mom when I leave to go home from her house.  I know what you mean when you say "pause control".  My wish is that life's memories could be Tivo'd onto a screen directly from my mind.  That sounds weird now that I have put my thought into words.  But that is what I wish.  Peggy may give wooden hugs today and tomorrow......but yesterday and the years before.....they weren't.  I hope you can find comfort in that.

jonibooks1991 said...

I just happen to come by your jounal today.  I am sorry about your sister and it made me think about my own.  It sounds like your sister and you had a wonderful relationship, which you can treasure for the rest of your life.  Be thankful for that.
I also saw your other journal and your family picture, what a beautiful family you have.  You will have many beautiful memories that you will make with those grandchildren.  You are a special person for taking care of your sister.  Joni

s0ngbird1962 said...

Beautiful entry.....brought tears to my eyes actually.  

I was just thinking about hugs today.  And how I miss hugging my Mom.  She is very sick and chemo has made her immune system almost non-existent, her body frail.  I can't hug her, really hug her like in your pic above.  

Hugs are so powerful aren't they?  Thanks I needed to read this today....

gailwindsnj1 said...

That was beautiful and SO true. Thank you for sharing your strength and Love..
This Hugggggggggggggs 4 U.....

mslambersfour said...

I will always remember how that hug felt mom... thank you for reminding me to appreciate it all... and remember the hugs of life...
I love YOU today mom....
Love, Melissa