THE LAST HUG

I wrote in my last entry that I tend to analyze everything that I don't understand.

I wish that I had a brain "pause control" or at least a volume control to turn down the constant questions that bounce around in my head.

Sometimes, I can figure things out but mostly, the questions are never resolved because they really have no answers.

The "why" of my head noise is always with me.

I can never do a project without trying to figure out how to do it a better way.

I was thinking today about making the simple hug better so that the feeling could last forever.

My daughter hugged me goodbye yesterday as she was leaving and I wanted the feelings of that hug to last forever.

I was wondering if there is a better way to remember the exact feelings of a hug good-bye.

I do know that a hug goodbye feels different from a hug, hello.

A hug you give to someone you care about contains all the feeling you have assigned to that person. A hug from that person carries the assigned feelings that they have given to you.

Peggy and I shared a lot of hello and goodbye hugs over our lifetime as sisters. We hugged goodbye in front of our houses, at airports, at our parents home and many other places.

We hugged goodbye at those times,  knowing we would see one another again.

I am trying to remember our last hug goodbye. The hug that said we would see one another again. The hug that let me know that she knew that I was Mary Louise, her sister.

It has been so long ago that I am slowly forgetting how it felt.  How it felt to know we would see one another again and talk and laugh again, that we would share our lives again on the phone or in person.

Peggy's hugs, since she developed Alzheimer's disease are stiff and wooden. I can tell by her hugs,  the assigned feelings that made me her sister are gone.

Now, she has completely forgotten how to hug. Her arms hang limp against her sides as arms surround her in a hug.

It's just a simple thing...a hug.

A simple thing that carries a world of feelings gathered over a life time.

Peggy has forgotten how to hug and she has forgotten how to send assigned feelings that are encompassed in a hug.

I have started to forget how our last hug felt. I have trouble remembering where and when ourlast real hug took place.

I do not have Alzheimer's disease and I am forgetting the feelings that always surrounded our good-bye hugs. The feelings that said I love you and will see you again. The feelings that said, call me if you need me and the feelings that said, I need some breathing time away from family. All of that could be said in a simple hug.

  I think that time helps us remember the hugs good-bye but not the feelings attached to the hug as clearly any more.

It is a simple thing...............A hug.

It's interesting how something as simple as a hug can be..................

 Missed so much.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise