My computer has been down.
I have felt cut off from everyone and the world wide web.
I didn't realize how much having a connection to the computer meant until...I didn't have it any longer.
Just like I take for granted having power in my house. I don't think about it until it goes off. I sit in a dark room and deal with my thoughts without the normal interruptions of radio, television and telephones.
I admit that I analyze everything to death, always have and probably always will.
When I couldn't get to the web sites, like my journals, I felt cut off and I admit, lonely. I wasn't able to express my feelings and know that someone was reading what I was writing. I didn't know if someone was viewing the photographs on my photography journal or if someone was laughing at something that I had said on one of my other journals.
I felt cut off from important places and people.
I began to wonder if Peggy feels cut off from the world?
I wondered if she feels lonely because she cannot communicate with those who care about her and those she cares about?
Does she have any ability any longer to feel anything at all? I analyzed.....and analyzed.
I wasn't able to write and explain my feelings, I felt cut off. Not only to those who read my journal but from the ability to communicate the words, pictures and feeling that are always roaming around in my head..
As I analyzed my thoughts about what Peggy does or does not feel, I began to realize that instead of trying to figure out the why of something, maybe, I should just let it be as it is.
I still cannot understand why a vibrant, young woman would develop Alzheimer's disease and I probably never will but.... I can stop analyzing and trying to figure it all out and just love her.
I have been trying so hard to see through Alzheimer's disease and understand the why and how of it that I sometimes lose sight of the most important thing... Peggy.
Not the way that she was but the way that she is today.
I want to stop trying to see through her and figure everything out and just see her, as she is now. I need to stop trying to see through her and just see her through.
Writing makes my feelings real and then, I must deal with them
I thought about it and realized that the way that I handled not writing about Peggy was exactly the way that I handle not being able to talk with her any longer.
The same way that I handle anything in my life that hurts, confuses or scares me.
I handle it............................
Just a little bit at a time.
I Love You Today, Peggy!