Sunday, January 7, 2007


My computer has been down.

I have felt cut off from everyone and the world wide web.

I didn't realize how much having a connection to the computer meant until...I didn't have it any longer.

Just like I take for granted having power in my house. I don't think about it until it goes off.  I sit in a dark room and deal with my thoughts without the normal interruptions of radio, television and telephones.

I admit that I analyze everything to death, always have and probably always will.

When I couldn't get to the web sites, like my journals, I felt cut off and I admit, lonely.  I wasn't able to express my feelings and know that someone was reading what I was writing. I didn't know if someone was viewing the photographs on my photography journal or if someone was laughing at something that I had said on one of my other journals.

I felt cut off from important places and people.

I began to wonder if Peggy feels cut off from the world?

I wondered if she feels lonely because she cannot communicate with those who care about her and those she cares about?

Does she have any ability any longer to feel anything at all? I analyzed.....and analyzed.

 I wasn't able to write and explain my feelings, I felt cut off.  Not only to those who read my journal but from the ability to communicate the words, pictures and feeling that are always roaming around in my head..

As I analyzed my thoughts about what Peggy does or does not feel, I began to realize that instead of trying to figure out the why of something, maybe, I should just let it be as it is.

I still cannot understand why a vibrant, young woman would develop Alzheimer's disease and I probably never will but.... I can stop analyzing and trying to figure it all out and just love her.

I have been trying so hard to see through Alzheimer's disease and understand the why and how of it that I sometimes lose sight of the most important thing... Peggy.          

Not the way that she was but the way that she is today.

 I want to stop trying to see through her and figure everything out and just see her, as she is now. I need to stop trying to see through her and just see her through.

Writing makes my feelings real and then, I must deal with them

I thought about it and realized that the way that I handled not writing about Peggy was exactly the way that I handle not being able to talk with her any longer.

The same way that I handle anything in my life that hurts, confuses or scares me.

I handle it............................

Just a little bit at a time.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


mgmturner said...

>>I want to stop trying to see through her and figure everything out and just see her, as she is now. I need to stop trying to see through her and just see her through.<<

Very insightful entry, ML.  And the sentence above jumped out at me - this applies to all of us dealing with a relative or friend or coworker that we just can't figure out.  Basically that we need to accept them as they are and love them - not just those with physical problems, but also those who are not who they used to be for whatever reason - depression, anger, pain, heartache.

Bless you.


magogos said...

Peggy is blessed to have someone whohas worked through so much,analytically, and can accept the Peggy she is, knowing that you will see her through. Margo

wendy4145 said...

Those words would make a beautiful song ML.

No one really knows exactly how you feel.  Until we read....  then we THINK we understand what you are going through.  I imagine that if feels like a ton weight of pain pressing on your heart.  You are finding ways to survive that.  

You are not letting it destroy you.


loisontheweb said...

  I went thru the computer void thing last year when my computer died; my wonderful daughter sent this marvelous new machine to me for Christmas.
  My pictures, my journals, my family e-mails are such a part of my life ....
   YOUR SISTER ... accepting "what-is" is so important to you.  The old saying, "If a tree falls in the forest, & no one is there to hear it ... is there a sound?"  applies here.
    Mercifully, Peggy has a sheath of un-awaredness to keep her from agonizing.  At first, yes, there were probably moments of panic, like drowning ... but, now ... CONTENT & COMFORT are the important elements of her life.  Since she cannot reason or plan ... I'm sure that seeing familiar people are part of that feeling of CONTENT & COMFORT.


wumzels2 said...

i think the analogy of your sister and a downed computer is probably accurate.  but you do have to wonder just what goes in their minds with this horrible disease.  i read you constantly, often not being able to get to the puter fast enough at the library to read the latest.  i don't comment due to time elements, and emotions.  your journal touches me immensely.  i wish someone in this world loved me the way you do your beloved sister.