Friday, April 20, 2007


I have never liked to see anything that I considered...scary.

I am the first person to look at the floor in a movie theatre or watching television if something scares me. I am the person who covers her eyes with her hands and spreads her fingers, just a little bit to see if it is safe to look again.

Sometimes, things are so scary to me that my mind doesn't want it to be imprinted on my brain. So, I don't look or go where there are images that frighten me.

If I do watch or hear something frightening, it sometimes gets installed in my brain doesn't go away. It visits me with repeated images of what I have seen.

I have always known to cover my eyes and ears at certain times.

I think this is quite normal for some super sensitive people.

But I have taken it a step further when it comes to watching my sister...disappear.

I haven't wanted to visit with Peggy for a while now.

I don't want to see her or have her look at me and not know who I am...right now.

It hurts too much and I feel too deep. I have entered a coward phase.

I don't know if I am the only person in the world who gets to this place when someone you love has Alzheimer's or Picks disease.

I am in a numb place. A"take care of myself place" right now.

My husband visited with Peggy a few weeks ago and said she looks better than he thought that she would. He said that it felt like she recognized him but she could not respond verbally.

I am so glad that he went to see her while he was on a business trip to the area where she lives.

I am so glad he visited with her because I feel like such a bad sister right now. I feel like I am letting her down but at this time...I cannot go to see her.

I never thought that I would ever be in this place concerning Peggy.

It is a "out of sight, out ofmind" type of place but......

The out of sight part works just find.

It's the out of mind part that I am having trouble dealing with right now.

It really doesn't matter if I see Peggy in person or not...

She is forever imprinted on my brain and it doesn't matter if my eyes are covered or wide open...

She is always there and I know that Peggy understands me and the stuck place... I find myself in at the present time. 

I can't explain why I am here. I just know that my heart needs to rest and heal.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Thanks for knowing me so well that I feel your love and acceptance even though I am stuck here and you are struck there.

I hope that I am not the only person in the world who has found them selves in this awful place.

The place of caring so much that it hurts.

I have no excuse for my stuck place. It is where I am.

It is a good feeling to know that I am loved even when I am not a very great sister.

Mary Louise




wendy4145 said...

You are an awesome sister.  You do have to take care of you at times and this happened to be one of those times.  I don't think you are cowardly at all.  Sometimes it is just too close for comfort.  Peggy knows you love her and always will know that.

When her memory comes back... it is all of the times that you were there that she will remember... not some of the times you couldn't be.


pharmolo said...

When you are ready you will go and visit Peggy again, Mary Louise. Out of sight - yes, out of mind - I don't think so.

mslambersfour said...

Mom... I always believe there are lessons in life that we are to learn before we can move forward in life.  And if you don't learn or teach the lesson... it keeps coming back over and over, in different forms, until we get it!  Then we move on to the next chapter in our life... with new lessons to learn or teach!  

You have been stuck in this place for a very long time.  Perhaps the lesson lies at Peggy's side.  And once you step forward out of this current place... you might find the relief you are yearning to posess... As long as you sit still... and hide behind those fingers... Life will still be sitting there... perhaps... with the life lesson that is waiting for you.

Memaw always said that Vaseline has many uses... when you are ready... get out the jar and lubricate your soul... maybe... just maybe... that will get your stuck place loose enough to take your step... Even if it means flying with your eyes covered!

I love you mom!

wumzels2 said...

a dear friend of mine has a mother with alzhiemers, and i gave her your journal link so that she could find someone to relate to.  she said she appreciated my offering it, but she wasn't ready yet to face the future.  she is in denial for the moment, not wanting to know where the future will take the relationship between herself and her mother.  you have already begun that journey, and have become weary.  take a rest.  step back and re-evaluate your OWN life.  you are an amazing sister, and friend, and have brought me encouragement through your words here in this journal.  but possibly long after peggy is "gone" forever, you will still be here, and you need to do what is best for you.  if stepping back for awhile seems necessary, it doesn't make you a bad sister or person.  it means you are taking care of yourself.............which is important as well.  whatever you decide, i will continue to read your journal.  i know you have helped me through my own life in so many ways that you will never know.  and i don't even have any family, let alone one with this horrible disease.  (of course, i do have my daughter, but no older adults are still living)



salemslot9 said...

I hope that I am not the only person in the world who has found them selves in this awful place.
you're not