I have never liked to see anything that I considered...scary.
I am the first person to look at the floor in a movie theatre or watching television if something scares me. I am the person who covers her eyes with her hands and spreads her fingers, just a little bit to see if it is safe to look again.
Sometimes, things are so scary to me that my mind doesn't want it to be imprinted on my brain. So, I don't look or go where there are images that frighten me.
If I do watch or hear something frightening, it sometimes gets installed in my brain cells...it doesn't go away. It visits me with repeated images of what I have seen.
I have always known to cover my eyes and ears at certain times.
I think this is quite normal for some super sensitive people.
But I have taken it a step further when it comes to watching my sister...disappear.
I haven't wanted to visit with Peggy for a while now.
I don't want to see her or have her look at me and not know who I am...right now.
It hurts too much and I feel too deep. I have entered a coward phase.
I don't know if I am the only person in the world who gets to this place when someone you love has Alzheimer's or Picks disease.
I am in a numb place. A"take care of myself place" right now.
My husband visited with Peggy a few weeks ago and said she looks better than he thought that she would. He said that it felt like she recognized him but she could not respond verbally.
I am so glad that he went to see her while he was on a business trip to the area where she lives.
I am so glad he visited with her because I feel like such a bad sister right now. I feel like I am letting her down but at this time...I cannot go to see her.
I never thought that I would ever be in this place concerning Peggy.
It is a "out of sight, out ofmind" type of place but......
The out of sight part works just find.
It's the out of mind part that I am having trouble dealing with right now.
It really doesn't matter if I see Peggy in person or not...
She is forever imprinted on my brain and it doesn't matter if my eyes are covered or wide open...
She is always there and I know that Peggy understands me and the stuck place... I find myself in at the present time.
I can't explain why I am here. I just know that my heart needs to rest and heal.
I Love You Today, Peggy!
Thanks for knowing me so well that I feel your love and acceptance even though I am stuck here and you are struck there.
I hope that I am not the only person in the world who has found them selves in this awful place.
The place of caring so much that it hurts.
I have no excuse for my stuck place. It is where I am.
It is a good feeling to know that I am loved even when I am not a very great sister.
TO KNOW SOMEONE HERE OR THERE WITH WHOM YOU FEEL THERE IS AN UNDERSTANDING...INSPITE OF DISTANCES OR THOUGHTS UNEXPRESSED........THAT CAN MAKE OF THIS EARTH..A GARDEN. ( Goethe)