Wednesday, April 19, 2006

WORDS AND FEELINGS

Sometimes, when I try to put my feelings about Peggy on paper.......

The words will not come.

The words and feelings are running around in my mind but never make it to my fingers.

Sometimes, my feelings about watching my sister disappear want to stay inside of me and stay private.

Sometimes, I know that if I write what I am feeling.....

The tears will start and I won't be able to stop them. I fear that all my tears will wash me away.

Today is a day like that.

Today is a day when my feelings about Peggy are just mine.

To write them would be mingled will all of the sorrow of my life time. My feelings are all mixed up today. I wouldn't be able to separate which are about Peggy and which belong to another place in my heart.

I just know that my heart is full today.

Full of all the tears of a lifetime.

This is the kind of day that I would call Peggy on the phone and say...

Can you talk? She would always say, sure and the conversation would start. I could tell her what I was feeling and just knowing she was listening would make me feel better.

On a day like today...

I miss my sister, Peggy. I miss being able to share my tears with her. I miss her encouragement. I miss her voice.

I am missing my forever friend today and she doesn't even know.

One of the most hurtful feelings that I am dealing with today is that....

I know that where she is in this disease...

She doesn't even care.

I miss her caring and I miss Peggy. Especially today when my feelings are running around in my head and there is no Peggy on the other end of the phone line.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss you Peggy.

Mary Louise

 

10 comments:

pharmolo said...

As I follow your sister's decline through your pages, I can but guess at the depth of your sadness.

purplehazebarn said...

Dear Mary Louise:
I lost my husband through a similar type of dementia, so know the struggle when you can no longer communicate.  And then the brother who was the person I sought on the other end of the phone line was killed in an automobile accident--so can share your sorrow. You and Peggy are in my prayers.
((((((hugs)))))))
LaVern

mawmellow said...

There are no words that I can offer to bring you any peace.  All I can do is say you and Peggy are in my prayers.  

magogos said...

I am reading this and crying for your loss, for Peggy's darkness and still I have no words to help. You are both in my thoughts. Margo

mgmturner said...

:::tears::: and (((hugs))) for you, Mary Louise.
Blessings,
Gwynn

wendy4145 said...

   I think your feelings made it to your fingers today.  We hear you.  We may not say the same things that Peggy would say to you.  But we encourage you.  We care and we have time to listen.  I pray that you have peace and comfort in all areas of your life.  No one can take the special place of Peggy in your life. No one can take away the pain of that reality from you.  But maybe you have room in your heart for other forever friends who can help ease and comfort you in the the hardest  of times.

   love,
       Wendy

wendy4145 said...

It is hard to be grateful in times of tragedy.  Sometimes we think life can't get any worse.  But then, I get word that my friend's 17 year old daughter was driving her 39 year old pregnant Mother back from maternity shopping.  They were involved in a serious accident and her Mother didn't make it.
   Her Dad was driving home from Florida on business and got word by cell to drive to UAB instead of home, that his wife and daughter were in a serious accident involving a helicopter.
   I noticed the pure devastation at the wake on Easter Sunday.  I spoke to the 15 year old sister, the Dad and then as I was talking to the 17 year old who never wants to drive another vehicle....  I saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes. when I was talking with her.  But I think her hardest days are yet to come.
  Mary Louise, your situation may get harder before it gets easier.  Still, I know it is hard to be grateful for the wonderful times you shared with your Parents, brother and sisters.  And more special times are ahead for you.
    I told 17 year old Azaria.... that her Mom is going to be with  her every step she takes for the rest of her life.  NOT LIKE SHE  WANTS her to be with her, but in a special way that is even closer than she could be on earth.  She's with her  now, in her heart.
  This difficult time of transition makes it hard for Peggy to be with you in that special way yet.  She's not there like you want her to be.  But the Peggy and Louise duo is a forever show, because you are forever friends, in the most special ways.
Love,
Wendy

onemoretina said...

Hello, Mary Louise .....  Sometimes I think that our feelings can be so confusing, complicated, or conflicting, that it is hard to sort them out, let alone put them down on paper.  But the truth is that you have done a beautiful job here, of describing your feelings about your dear sister.  Some days will be easier than others to put into words.  Tina

louis929 said...

Mary Louise:  Thank you for putting this journal on-line.  I am currently at a similar place with my husband.  In February he went into a nursing home following hospitalization for an infection.  Sometimes I feel as if my heart is literally breaking.  He is very rapidly losing touch with reality and it is so sad to watch.  Today is Good Friday for us and I went to visit him.  He was always very connected to his Faith, and Church and his relationship with God.  I told him today was Good Friday and if he knew what happened on this day.  When he replied "no", I started to cry - I could not believe that part of him was going too.  I know that his soul is safe and does not have Alzheimer's, but this was such a big blow for me.  I just hate this disease.  

Please know I feel your pain and, once again, thank you for sharing.  By the way, I live in Ohio too.

Kathleen

caragricke said...

I am reading the journal today for the lst time in a long time.  Sometimes, I get to choked up and cry so hard because I know and remember Peggy the way she was and I know how much you miss her and I cannot help you.  But I know it helps for us to remember her.  I cannot take Peggy's place and what y'all shared but you know that I am always a phone call away.  I love you both....caragricke (Barbara ... sister #2)