LONELY

PEGGY WAVING GOODBYE.

I never realized that this goodbye wave.....

 Really meant goodbye!

I wonder if Peggy ever gets lonely.

She is surrounded by care givers and medical staff 24 hours a day where she lives.

But does she get lonely?

Do people who suffer from diseases like Alzheimer's, Pick's and other dementia diseases remember what lonely is or what it feels like?

I know that I have felt lonely in crowds. I was in a city once at the airport and there were thousands of people rushing in every direction. I sat waiting for a plane and looked at the faces of people as they rushed by me and there was not a single face that was familiar. In the thousands of people, I felt completely alone.

Is this what Peggy feels?

Alone and lonely is a terrible place to visit much less....live!

Everyone tells me that Peggy smiles a lot and seems happy in her world.

Maybe, she has forgotten what lonely is and what lonely feels like.

Maybe, she is just happy to be loved and cared for and doesn't spend time connecting with the feeling of lonely.

I really hope that she isn't lonely in her world of Alzheimer's disease. The disease has already taken so much from her...... Maybe, it has done a nice thing in all it has destroyed.

Maybe, it has made her forget....

What lonely feels like.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

A TICKET TO THE SHOW

 

 The Peggy that I knew has been absent from my life for a long time now.

I think of her every day and say prayers for her constantly in my mind.

It has become a way of life...my life without the sister that I love.

I still think of calling her when something happens in my day but I know that she won't be there to listen and care.

It is a strange feeling to become comfortable in these feelings because I fought them for so long.

 I saw a show last night about Elvis Presley. He had finished his preformance and left the stage but people in the audience were frozen in place. They were screaming and crying and waving their tickets for one more song, one more glance, one more sight of him on stage. While the people were calling and screaming for one more anything from him, a voice came over the auditorium speaker and stated.........

Elvis has left the building!

It meant that there was no need to scream and cry for another look at Elvis. No need to wave a ticket and demand that he return.  The croud of fans would not hear his voice from the stage one more time.  Because as much as the people longed to see and hear him again,the show was over and Elvis had left the building and wasn't coming back.

It took the crowd a while to calm down and realize that the show was really over. People were still crying and wanting more when they slowly realized that there was...no more.

In many ways, that is where I  find myself with Peggy.

It will never be the same.............. With her or Without her 

I don't think that being resigned  to her leaving means that I have to give up hope. I don't think that it means we love the person any less. I do think that it means we move on in our lives while still loving and caring and being there for them in a variety of ways.

I am not saying that I will ever move so far away that I forget about the Peggy that I knew. I  never could because she has helped to mold me into the person that I am today...but the past is a nice place to visit but not a healthy place to live.

I don't think that I will ever give up hope that one day, she will just wake up,  like in fairy tales or the movies. That is who I am and will always be...hopeful.

Peggy has lost so much time at this point in her life if she did wake up, she would see that the world that has moved on and changed without her. Children have grown to fine adults, grandchildren are years older. Sisters and brother have aged and changed. Peggy would be surprised at all the changes in the world and in herself if she woke up today.  None of us are the same as when she slipped away years ago. Wanting her back is selfish on my part because it would be very hard for her to adjust to all the changes. I want the old Peggy back but I am resigned to the fact that the old Peggy is gone forever, even if she were to wake up tomorrow.

I have been doing a lot of deep thinking tonight. I'm not sure if any of it will make sense to anyone but me.

All I know is that my sister Peggy is no longer the sister that I knew and that feels strange. It feels strange but it has become a part of life for me now.

There will be no more contact with the old Peggy. The Peggy that was comfortable in my life for so many years because........... like Elvis....

Peggy Has Left The Building.

She left a long time ago but like the Elvis fans.........

I have been sitting in the auditorium of yesterday, frozen to my seat and waving the ticket of all my Peggy memories hoping that she will reappear one more time.

I will never give my ticket away because it is too precious. It is the ticket to the "Peggy Show" that plays in my mind even though....

Peggy Has Left The Building!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

BLISSFULLY UN-AWARE

I was in the dentist office yesterday. The room was small with padded chairs lining the walls. The chairs were decorated with grass green cushions and a ton of worn magazines littered the small tables.

In one corner of the room sat a mother with three small children who were all playing on the floor. The little boy was running cars back and forth on the shaggy rug and the girls were talking with animated faces while playing with their dolls.

I noticed that one of the little girls small for her age. I thought she must be around four years old. She had wispy, thin blonde hair and eyes that sparkled as she talked. The other noticeable thing about her was that she had a very large nose and it did not fit her small face. She seemed blissfully unaware of her face or her nose.

The door to the office opened and a little boy walked in with his Dad. The boy looked at the children playing on the floor as he walked past them at to sit in a chair on the other side of the room. He looked like he might be four or five years old.

He watched the three children as they played and didn't offer to join them. The little girl looked up at him and said, wanna play?

He jumped down to join them on the floor. He was waiting to be wanted.

He didn't notice that the little girl had wispy, thin hair or that her nose was too large for her face like I did.

He just saw someone who had asked him to join in the play. He was unaware of her physical appearance as he jumped down to play.

I watched them play and laugh and wondered when self- consciousness enteres the mind. At what age do we notice we are different and retreat into ourselves?

At this point in the young lives, they are equal. There is no skin color, no ugly or pretty, no difference. They are just playing and enjoying one another.

They will be blissfully un-aware until we teach them different.

Peggy is at a stage of being blissfully un-aware.

She doesn't worry about her weight, hair, make-up or if people like her or not.

She is blissfully unaware and lives in the moment just like the children on the floor of the dental office.

This state of being will not change for Peggy like it will for the children I saw yesterday.

She continues to go backward in time.

I am thankful that she is blissfully unaware.

She needs the basic needs met and nothing more.

No houses or cars. No clothes or fancy jewelry.

She only needs to be taken care of and loved...just like the children on the floor......

There are times when I think that blissfully un-aware would be a nice place but....

I'm not ready to move there because I am too..... aware.

I am glad that Peggy has un-learned some of the lessons that we were taught as we grew from children to adults.

I am glad that nothing hurts her feelings and hurtful words mean nothing but.....

When a negitive is taken away so is the positive that is always on the flip side.

 UN-AWARE / AWARE

I love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

BACK ON LINE

I finally have my computer up and running again.

I will be sharing the thoughts that I have been writing in my notebook while I have been away from my computer.

It has been a resting period for me and one that I needed.

Peggy is doing as well as can be expected for this stage of the disease.

My sisters, Betty Jean and Barbara have visited with her and I will share some of their memories of that visit.

Last week was our sister's week and we all missed Peggy more than I could possibly write. It was good to have the time together with my sisters to remember the past, live in the present and talk about the future.

I love you today, Peggy!

Sister's Week with the three of us was fun but Oh, Peggy.... We all felt the empty place where you used to be!!!!

Mary Louise

DISAPPEARED

I just finished writing a long entry that simply...disappeared!

My last entry gave the impression that something had happened to Peggy.

Peggy is doing well and seems to be happy most of the time.

Nothing can bring back the entry that I just finished! I watched and said...NO, No, No as it disappeared from my screen.

It made me think of how Peggy disappeared from my life.

She was here and then...she was gone.

  There was absolutely nothing that I could do to bring my sister or the long entry that I had just written back!

Sometimes, we never truly understand how important someone or something is to us ....... Until                              

It is no longer in front of us! 

I miss you Peggy and have since you disappeared and you were no longer in front of me!!

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

 

TIME

TIME IS A FUNNY THING......

You either have too much of it or not enough.

A time to be born and a time to die.

What a person does with the time between being born and dying is interesting.

We usually don't realize the gravity of time until there is no more.

Peggy and I shared many good times but neither of us realized how short our time together would be.......

Even when she began to forget simple things...we never thought that our "time" would be cut so short.

Time has a way of being slow or fast.

When I am waiting on someone to arrive for a visit, the minutes seem to turn into hours. When they arrive, time speeds up and the visit is over in a flash. 

So, our moods reflect how we perceive time.

When I was 17, I had all the time in the world and everything moved much to slow for me.

Now, time goes too fast and weeks turn into years. Holidays come faster and my birthdays are every other week.

When Peggy first started to forget, I thought it would take a long time before she forgot who I was....

I was wrong.

From the first day that I knew that she had Alzheimer's disease to today was just a flash of time.

Time ran out  for us while I was living my life and planning the next week and next month. 

Peggy isn't dead but she has disappeared from my daily living. She has disappeared and my time moves on without her presence. Time continues and I continue to plan time for the day, the week, the month, the year. 

 Sometimes, I cry because Peggy doesn't have any more time. I cry because we don't have any more time and I miss her so much.

It never crossed my mind during the years that we shared, that time might not be ours forever. We were supposed to be old spry ladies together but........

TIME had other ideas. TIME ran out while we weren't looking and now, time has run out for us to share our lives as sister's.

Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

I am thankful for the time that Peggy and I shared as sister's but Oh..........how I wish that we had just one more hour. Just 60 short ticks of the clock!

How I wish that...

We had a little more time!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I smile when I remember our time together. The laughter, the serious talks, the dreams and even the anger. It was.....

Our time and it went by much too fast!

Mary Louise

 

DRAMA QUEEN CROWNED

M. L. & PEGGY

 

I stumbled across a blog last night that had a comment about my journal.

It said...Watching My Sister...Disappear----Drama Queen Blog

At first, I was hurt, then upset, then angry.

How dare this person put a tag on my journal about losing my sister to Alzheimer's disease!

I couldn't get the comment out of my mind. I think he is right on some level because watching my sister disappear is real drama in my life.

I have received thousands of wonderful, supportive comments and yet this one, negative comment rolled around in my mind for quite a while.

This person dismissed my writing and it didn't feel good. I wished that I could talk to him and win him over by explaining how this disease effects family members. But he probably could not hear my words.

Losing someone you love,whether it is fast or slow and deserves a bit of drama.

 I am very serious about teaching what Alzheimer's and other brain deseases can do to the person affected and to all who love that person.

I think he needs to know Peggy before he decides that this journal is a waste of time for him and anyone who reads my words.

People grieve in different ways and writing this journal is my way to grieve over losing my sister.

W. M. S D.    Drama....Yes.

Writer of W. M. S. D.     Drama Queen.....O K.....At times, Yes.

Getting defensive over my style of writing....Yes!

Writing this journal and reading the support of so many people has made this journey..... not as lonely as it may have been.

I want to thank all of you for the comments of support over the years.

Personally, I think that Peggy deserves all the drama that I can write.

I will never let her disappear quietly for I am.......

The W. M. S. D. Drama Queen and Peggy is my sister!

I like the title after I got used to saying it to myself.  I know that Peggy would get a huge laugh if she knew that I had been labeled a D. Q. and knowing her, she would probably call me D. Q. for the rest of my life!  

 Peggy would make sure to remind me of my title every chance she got....... If only.....

She wasn't disappearing from Alzheimer's Disease and..... if only....

She still remembered who I am!                 

I Love You Today, Peggy!

 Mary Louise