TWO WORDS

   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   I looked at a picture of Peggy and me when we were children and it seemed like yesterday.

I thought of how long ago that picture was made and thought.....

Yesterday and Forever are worlds apart but close.

I remember the first time thatI heard the word Alzheimer's Disease connected to Peggy  like it was yesterday but it was forever ago.

I remember talking to her on the phone, laughing and talking about an upcoming sister's trip as if it was yesterday but it was forever ago.

Our minds are powerful enough for us remember yesterday like it was really yesterday.

Two words...

So close and so far away in meaning.

Yesterday was a day ago, a year ago or many years ago.

Peggy is gone to me today but I have the the yesterdays. I wonder what it would be like to have neither???

I Love You Today, Peggy!  See you tomorrow, when today becomes.....

Yesterday.

Mary Louise

 

I WISH.....

I received some new pictures of Peggy yesterday. Her husband is always good about sending them to me.

I am glad to get them but they always make me cry. Not because she looks awful but because I miss her so much.

I see the picture of my sister and know that she doesn't remember who I am.

She is still beautiful in a vacant kind of way. Her smile is still big and bright but the essence of who she was..... is gone.

I am thankful that she isn't in any kind of pain, physically or mentally.

I wish that I had a magic wand to wave over her head.

I wish that I was a brilliant researcher who discovered a cure today.

I wish that I could restore the smile in her eyes.

I wish that I could....But I can't!

Peggy just is.........    And.......

I miss my sister.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

    FROM.....

PEGGY AND MARY LOUISE

BARBARA AND BETTY JEAN

QUIETNESS

I have been quiet for awhile in my writing.

It is not that I don't have a lot of words and feelings wandering around in my mind. Words and feelings concerning Peggy.

No words are making it to my fingers at this time.

These times come.

These times go.

I know that I will be able to write my feelings again.

Right now, they are resting.

Sometimes, I have so much to say that I am unable to talk.

I Love You Today, Peggy! 

 I know that you never would have imagined that I could be quiet!

Mary Louise

In quietness and trust..is your strength  Isaiah 30:15

 

 

A SISTER IS SOMEONE.............

A sister is one of the nicest things that can happen to anyone.

She is someone to laugh with and share with, to work with and join in the fun.

She is someone who helps in the rough times and knows when you need a warm smile.

She is someone who will quietly listen when you just want to talk for awhile.

She is someone who will always call you back if she misses your call.

She is someone who knows all of your faults and loves you anyway.

She is someone who is strong when you need strength and soft when you need a velvet place to fall.

She is someone who is like you but different.

She is someone who knows where you came from because she came from the same place.

She is your sister...Your forever friend.

 I love you so much today, Peggy and............

I miss you more than I could ever write on paper.

Mary Louise

 

A STUCK PLACE

I have never liked to see anything that I considered...scary.

I am the first person to look at the floor in a movie theatre or watching television if something scares me. I am the person who covers her eyes with her hands and spreads her fingers, just a little bit to see if it is safe to look again.

Sometimes, things are so scary to me that my mind doesn't want it to be imprinted on my brain. So, I don't look or go where there are images that frighten me.

If I do watch or hear something frightening, it sometimes gets installed in my brain cells...it doesn't go away. It visits me with repeated images of what I have seen.

I have always known to cover my eyes and ears at certain times.

I think this is quite normal for some super sensitive people.

But I have taken it a step further when it comes to watching my sister...disappear.

I haven't wanted to visit with Peggy for a while now.

I don't want to see her or have her look at me and not know who I am...right now.

It hurts too much and I feel too deep. I have entered a coward phase.

I don't know if I am the only person in the world who gets to this place when someone you love has Alzheimer's or Picks disease.

I am in a numb place. A"take care of myself place" right now.

My husband visited with Peggy a few weeks ago and said she looks better than he thought that she would. He said that it felt like she recognized him but she could not respond verbally.

I am so glad that he went to see her while he was on a business trip to the area where she lives.

I am so glad he visited with her because I feel like such a bad sister right now. I feel like I am letting her down but at this time...I cannot go to see her.

I never thought that I would ever be in this place concerning Peggy.

It is a "out of sight, out ofmind" type of place but......

The out of sight part works just find.

It's the out of mind part that I am having trouble dealing with right now.

It really doesn't matter if I see Peggy in person or not...

She is forever imprinted on my brain and it doesn't matter if my eyes are covered or wide open...

She is always there and I know that Peggy understands me and the stuck place... I find myself in at the present time. 

I can't explain why I am here. I just know that my heart needs to rest and heal.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Thanks for knowing me so well that I feel your love and acceptance even though I am stuck here and you are struck there.

I hope that I am not the only person in the world who has found them selves in this awful place.

The place of caring so much that it hurts.

I have no excuse for my stuck place. It is where I am.

It is a good feeling to know that I am loved even when I am not a very great sister.

Mary Louise

TO KNOW SOMEONE HERE OR THERE WITH WHOM YOU FEEL THERE IS AN UNDERSTANDING...INSPITE OF DISTANCES OR THOUGHTS UNEXPRESSED........THAT CAN MAKE OF THIS EARTH..A GARDEN.     ( Goethe)

 

WHO ARE WE????

This Christmas, our son gave his Father and me a unique gift with a request attached.

He gave us each a hand held recorder with small tapes.

His request was that we take time to record our verbal history.

He wants us to record our earliest memory, our childhood moments, teenage years and young adult years.

How we met, what we thought of one another when we started dating. Our engagement, wedding and memories of the pregnancies and births of each of our children.

He has heard all of these stories before but wanted each of us to record our memories in our own voices.

This personal history of our lives will be passed down to the future generations of our family.

A big request but a thoughtful one.

I have been walking back through my mind to my earliest memories. Where we lived and how I felt at the time.

It has been interesting to visit the places that have been tucked away in my mind for so long.

My earliest memory is of being 3 years old and finding a ring in the gutter in front of our apartment. 

I remember being 4 years old and seeing Mother come home from the hospital with a new baby named, Peggy.

I don't recall all of the details but I do remember sketches from my early childhood days. They have made their home in my mind and remain there, waiting to be visited and remembered

Trying to remember my early memories made me wonder......

WHO ARE WE WITHOUT OUR MEMORIES?

My memories have made me who I am today. Even the bad memories shaped my life in ways that resurface from time to time.

So, who am I without my memories??????

I am the millions of people who suffer from, Alzheimer's disease, Pick's disease, dementia and other brain injuries.

Who am I.... if my memories are gone?

I am still me but without a past, present or future.

Our memories shape who we are and how we act and react today to different circumstances.

Peggy has no memory of her past, her present or plans for her future. No memories to tell her who she was and who she is today.

I feel that  as her brother and sisters, we should  record our unique memories of Peggy. The Peggy we knew as a child, teenager and young adult. We must record and pass this remembrances to her daughters and grandchild. If we don't....The Peggy they did not know as a child....will be forever lost to them.

My memories are precious to me and to lose them would be unimaginable.

But then, I thought....

If you don't Know that you don't Know....Memories have no meaning.

So, without my memories.......

I AM PEGGY!

Who would you be without your memories????

I Love You Today, Peggy!

 I can say that I love you because I remember.

 I will remember our shared time together until...I think no more and I....

 am also a memory!

 Generations of my family will come and go, live and love, laugh and cry, marry and have children, grow old and die and become memories themselves.

I hope that one day, one of my great, great, great grandchildren will find some tiny tapes in a dusty box. They will take them to be recorded on the listening machines of the day and they will hear my voice saying.....

Hello,

My name is Mary Louise Ross Harris. I was born to Allen and Myrtice Ross in Fairfield, Alabama. 

I am your great, great, great grandmother.

I want to share some of the memories of my life with each of you. 

To all who are listening to this recording...I send my love from the generations before you were born.

My prayer, a prayer that flies over time, is that your lives are filled with love, joy and purpose. If they are not.....do what you must to fix it!

That is not a request but an order!

Here are some of the memories of my growing up years.......................

The fashions of the day, the cars, the world today and the news from around the world, my sisters and brother, my children and grandchildren. Their names are.....................

I want you to meet the love of my life, my husband, John. We were married in 1963 in Birmingham, Alabama. It was a warm, beautiful June day and..........................

Life is shorted than you realize at this time in your lives.

Live well, laugh often, love much!

My Mother and Daddy were unique, wonderful people who worked hard all of their lives..............

And as my Daddy used to say to the girls and boys of our family............

I love all of you, Today!

Your Great, Great, Great Grand Mother....Mary Louise

PS.....

Let me tell you about my sister, Peggy!

Peggy was born when I was almost 4 years old. I remember..................