ANGER AND PEGGY'S SMILE

Dear Peggy,

I called you this morning but the answer machine picked up. I left you a message and told you that I love you today and I will call you later.

I realize that it is time for you to go into a nursing facility but I don't like to think about it. I will miss hearing your voice every day.

One of the hardest things about watching you disappear is the anger that I have to manage.

I am angry that you are going away.

I am angry that you don't remember who I am.

I am angry that I could do nothing to save you from Alzheimer's disease.

I am angry that you can never go on a Sister's trip again.

 My back is hurting today. There was a time when I could call and tell you and you could make me feel better. So, I am angry that you will never be there for me...ever again.

I am sad, angry and frustrated with you because you have no idea that I am sad, angry or frustrated.

I am angry that I feel abandoned by you. Just like I felt when Mother and Daddy died.

I am angry with Alzheimer's Disease and what it has done to your body and mind.

I am aware that all of my anger towards you today is purely selfish.

I also know that you would be angry too, if you were aware of your fate.

I couldn't help but think of the few times when we were growing up that we got very angry with one another.

I didn't happen often but I remember the times, as children, when you dug your heels in the sand and I dug my heels in the sand. We would stand with our arms crossed over our chests and stare at one another with our meanest, angry faces. I wanted to do something my way and you, yours. After staring one another down, we would walk away from each other in a huff. It never lasted long because we would sneak a peak at one another as we  stomped away and always ended laughing. Our angry faces would turn into huge smiles as we continued to play.

I am very angry with you today....but

I know that anger is just Love......disappointed.

I am disappointed that our time together as sister's has been cut so short.

I am disappointed that we can never be the same sisters that we always were to one another.

I am disappointed that I cannot continue to call you every day and hear your voice.

I am disappointed that I am having such a hard time letting  you go.

This morning, I have crossed my arms over my chest and stomped away but as I was leaving the thought of you...

I couldn't help but turn around and see you smile in my mind.

I started to smile too because that is what we have always done for each other.

Because of the remembered picture of your smile, I replaced my angry face with a smile.

I will keep the picture of your smile in my mind and recall it on the days when I feel angry with you for leaving me and all the people who love you.

You would have never chosen this disease if you had a say in it's development so...

As hard as it is to see you go, Peggy.

Thank you for leaving me the memory of your smile.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

IT'S OK....THE NEXT STEP

I talked to Peggy a little while ago and did something that I wait to do until I hang up the phone......I cried while we talked.

I told her that I loved her today and I was sorry that I could not do something to help her.

As I cried, she said, it's OK. I love you.

Through the haze of Alzheimer's disease Peggy was taking care of me in the only way that she could....

She was taking care of me by saying it's OK, I love you as I cried.

Sweet words to a sister who feels helpless from a sister who continues to disappear.

Peggy will be going into a Nursing Home in 12 day's.   

I have 12 days to hear her voice every day.

I have 12 day's to tell her that I love her today.

I have 12 day's to say, Hi Peggy, this is Mary Louise, your sister.

Today, is a sad day but only for me.

It is time for Peggy to move to the next step even though I am not ready. I know in my heart that it is the best thing for her and so I will say........

Dear Peggy,

I will miss talking to you every day and I am sorry that Alzheimer's disease has taken you away at such a young age. The best years of your life are slipping away but I am thankful that you don't know that.                                                                                                                                                                  

I have missed you for many years now and will miss you for all of my life.

I have missed our long talks and the laughter we shared while talking on the phone.

There is so much that I will miss about you but our shared laughter is the thing that I will miss the most.

You could always make me feel better when we laughed together but I am aware that....

We can't laugh our way through this one, can we Peggy!

But...

We still have 12 days to try!

My sister holds my falling tears in her gentle words.....

It's OK. I love you.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

HUMMMM...THE EVIDENCE OF OUR JOURNEY

Peggy could barely respond today. Hummm, was all she could say when I talked to her.

The sound of her voice is all that is left now.

I still find that I get frustrated with her and want to shout in the phone...STOP IT, Peggy! Say something, anything.... just talk to me but she cannot!

I was flying back from the West Coast last week and took my ticket from my purse to see the time of arrival in Cincinnati. I looked at the ticket, found the arrival time and was putting it back in my purse when I noticed some printing on the back of the ticket stub.

The back of the ticket said,  This portion of the ticket should be retained as evidence of your journey.

 When Peggy could only say Hummm to my voice today....I thought about the ticket that was still tucked inside of my purse

Hummmm from her voice is evidence of our journey together and it was the best that she could do.

Since Hummm is Peggy's best effort now, it will have to be enough because she is still trying and that one word is .....

The evidence of our journey as Sister's.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

PEGGY'S SHADOW

I returned from 2 weeks in beautiful Santa Barbara, California on Saturday night.

I was there for a week alone and then two of my sister's, Betty Jean and Barbara came for the second week.

We had a good Sister's week together but we all missed Peggy.

We felt her presence in every place we went and everything that we did together.

An interesting thing happened while we were visiting "The Mission" in Santa Barbara one afternoon.

We had toured the mission and were walking down the sidewalk to the car.

The sun was shining and as we walked down the sidewalk we cast three shadows.

For a brief moment, there was a forth shadow as a woman passed by us. I watched as the woman's shadow mingled with ours and quickly vanish leaving three instead of four shadows.

Chills ran through my body as I watched the forth shadow touch our lives and fade away. The vanishing shadow made me think of Peggy. It made me think of how she has touched our lives through the years and was quickly fading away.

Peggy's shadow will be with us wherever we go.

Her laughter, her smile, her personality will always be a part of who we are today because....

Peggy cast a shadow on our lives the day she was born and became our sister. She does not remember that we are her sisters but we will continue to remember for her.

Peggy's has turned into twilight, her mind has darkened and she has become a shadow that touches our lives as we walk through life together.

 Every time the sun comes out and casts a shadow.......

Peggy's presence will be felt by "The Sisters" as we walk on the sidewalk of life together.....

There will always be four dark shadows cast, shining in the sun..... together.

We missed you, Peggy!     

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

SISTER'S TRIP TO SANTA BARBARA

I will be leaving tomorrow for our Sister's trip.

I will continue to call Peggy while I am away and we will all talk to her.

She would be the first one to say, Go and have a great time together.

We will have fun together but there will be a huge empty space where Peggy used to be.

We Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise, Betty Jean and Barbara

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY

Peggy was having a hard time understanding me this morning.

She didn't say hello when she took the phone but I could hear her breathing.

I asked her if she was OK and she answered....What?

I told her that I loved her today and her answer was...Thanks.        It occurred to me that she was thanking someone who was a stranger to her for caring about her.

I wish that I knew what is going on in her mind and what she is thinking when we talk on the phone.

I asked her if she was OK today and she said; yes.

Her answers to most of my questions was...What or yes.             She  remembers those words but one day, she will forget them too.

I started to hang up and I said; Peggy, I miss you.

What???

I miss you, Peggy. I miss you so much! 

She didn't say anything.

 I will call you again tomorrow, Peggy.

She never answered but I knew that she was still listening.

I didn't need to say anything else to her but that I loved her today.

In her silence I heard all the echo's from our past years as sisters.

Sometimes, words are not needed someone is listening to you with their heart but just can't remember how to respond.

I thought of this quote from Longfellow after my call to her.

"Give what you have to someone. It may be better than you dare to think".

Maybe, my call to her today was better than I dare to think. I hope that she can still understand the love in my voice though she has forgotten who I am.

Like I have said before. Peggy and I are cut from the same fabric and the thread that holds us together cannot be broken by people, years or distance and certainly not by...

Alzheimer's disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

GROWING UP.....ROSS AND BEING "A ROSS GIRL".

There were five children in our family, four girls and one boy.

The four girl's of our family were known in the area and at school as "The Ross Girls".

After we all left home, we would meet at Mother and Daddy's for a week in the summer and a week at Christmas time.

We didn't call it Sister's week back then, it was just a time when the five of us could be together. There would be long talks around the kitchen table with Mother and Daddy and the sound of high heels clicking on the wood floors once again.

We didn't leave our brother out. He just thought that a week of giggling, hormones and chatter was more than he could take so he drifted in and out during our time at home.

After our children came along, we spent our week at home changing diapers and listening to the tips on raising children from our Mother.

There was no money in our budgets at that time for trips anywhere but home.

Home was where we all wanted to be. It was our safe place.

I have thought about those times a lot and can go backward in my mind to those days. I can see Mother's smile and smell all of the smells of home.

I can see Daddy working in the backyard and coming in to wash his hands and arms at the kitchen sink, much to my Mother's dismay.

I can smell the coffee that was always brewing on the stove, summer or winter.

Home was a good place to be and a good place to renew our bond as sister's and brother.

Eventually, we were able to go on weekly trips to each others homes. It was always fun to get together for a week in a different place.

That's when "The Sister's Trip" was born.

After all of our children grew up, we began to take trips to other places.  It was fun to be together and fun to venture out in the world.

We all looked forward to the trip's and planned our Sister's trip all year.

(Peggy)

A week together as sister's would always bring those times when we would get "sideways" with one another. When that happened we would say what we thought and move on. We gave each other the space that we needed and the freedom to have our different opinions. We grew up knowing that one only gets angry with people that they trust. We trusted one another enough to speak our minds, but always with respect.

Peggy's last Sister's trip was to my house 7 years ago. Alzheimer's disease had already started and we all noticed the difference in her. She had been diganosed with Epilepsy and was having Monoclonic jerks. We all noticed that she had lost her happy nature and seemed confused a lot of the time.

 It was a sad feeling that next year when we went on our first Sister's trip without her because she was not well enough to go.  We missed her so much and the lack of her presence left a gaping hole in our time together.

The trip was to Colorado Ski country. We stayed in a big house that was a ski out. The week was fun but we all missed having Peggy there. That is when we decided that on every Sister's Trip, we would make sure that Peggy was a part of it, if only in a picture.

 

That's was our way of including her in our week and we still make sure that Peggy is on every trip in a picture.

( Peggy added).

This year, our Sister's trip will be to beautiful Santa Barbara, California and you can bet that Peggy will be there. She will be right in the middle of our fun, talks, sightseeing and shopping.

She will go to Santa Barbara on our Sister trip next week because we will all take her... in our hearts.

After all, what would a trip be like without Peggy?

She is present in everything that we do as sister's because of the pride that we share as sister's and because....

We are "The Ross Girl's" and.....

We grew up...Ross!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise