THE FACE OF ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE

It is just one more day until I see Peggy again. I am nervous about the meeting because it will not be the Peggy that I have known all of my life. It will be a different Peggy.

She won't be the little girl who was my shadow.

She will not be the teenager who became my friend.

She will not be the adult who was my confidant and teacher.

I will hug her and try to act like nothing has changed.

When I smile, touch her face and look into her eyes....it will not be the Peggy that I have known all of these years. I will be seeing a person who has forgotten that I was ever a part of her life.

When I look at Peggy, I will be seeing Alzheimer's disease and what it has done to my beautiful sister, my forever friend.

I will be staring at Alzheimer's disease..........

Face to Face.

I pray for courage, I pray for strength but most of all...

I pray for Peggy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

WHEN FOREVER.... COMES TOO SOON

When you lose someone you love by death or in my case, Alzheimer's disease, you lose a part of yourself as well. 

You lose a part of your being that cannot be filled by another person. Like the children's song says, you're the only you there is!

Peggy has been a part of my life and a part of my being since the day she came into the world. Now, she is going away and the hole in my being gets larger with every call to her.

What do you do or say when forever comes too soon?

No one in the world can replace the "Peggy" part of me and I will have that part of her in my heart forever.

There are many people who have come and gone as I have lived my life. A few have touched my life in ways that have changed me forever. A few have made me better by knowing them.

And then, there are my Sister's and my Brother....The people who have loved me when I was un-loveable, cared about me when I was un-caring, encouraged me when I couldn't find my way. 

 My forever came too soon when Peggy didn't remember who I was any longer.

My sister's, brother and I share a soul and we are being tested as we lose a big part of our being, Peggy.

We have lost our Peggy with the big green eyes and the funny sense of humor. 

We have lost our Peggy with the wonderful laugh and her aura of fun.    I  will miss all of those things about Peggy...even the icy stare when she was angry. ( smile)

Most of all, as Alzheimer's continues to cause her to disappear..

I will miss the Peggy that made me a better person because she was apart of my life.

When I visit her on Monday, I hope to get one last glimpse of the Peggy that has made such a difference in my life.

Maybe, Alzheimer's disease will grant me that one wish. Just once more to see a trace of the Peggy that I knew.

If not, I will go on with my life... living and remembering....               

The little sister with the lop sided bangs that I cut for her.

The little sister with teeth too big for her face when she was 10 years old.

The little sister who cried when I sang, Poor Little Robin.

The little sister who sang harmony with me in the kitchen.

The little sister who was my shadow when wewere growing up.

The little sister who was a bridesmaid in my wedding. 

The little sister who was there when my first child was born.

The little sister that cried with me when our Mother died. We were not ashamed of our tears because our tears mingled as they fell from our eyes.

The little sister who made Daddy's death easier because she was there and knew the depth of my loss and again, we shared our tears.

The little sister who is dying and I can do nothing but cry.

 I am crying my tears alone because she cannot share my sense of loss this time.

I will cry tears of anger and frustration at the unfair end of Peggy's life. I will continue to cry alone until the day I meet my sister's and brother and we stand beside Peggy on the day she is buried.

Then, my tears will mingle with theirs as they fall from our eyes and I will not be alone in my sorrow and grief.

We will cry tears of joy for the times we had together....And tears of sadness because.....

Our time together ended too soon.....

Forever..... came much too soon.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise 

 PS...I will be out of town for a while. I may not write until I return. If there is a computer where I am going, I will keep you up to date on Peggy. If not, I will write when I return.

Thanks to all who read this journal. I know your prayers go with me as I visit Peggy.

 

 

THE ALZHEIMER'S RAIN

It has been hot and dry here. The grass is thirsty and we have hoped for rain.

The rain came today and it is falling softly as I write. This is exactly the type of rain that we needed.  Because of its gentle decent to the earth, the ground can soak it up. I can almost hear the grass and plants suck in the warm liquid.

Yesterday, we also got rain but it came down in torrents. It fell with such force that it could not be soaked up by the grass and plants. It ran off the ground in rivers and was no comfort to the dry, cracked earth.

A healthy person gets soft soaking rain to their brains every day. Information is assorbed through sight, sounds and smell. Our brains are constantly taking in the information that we need as we go through the common motion of our lives. We walk, think, eat and use bathroom facilities and do the millions of daily activities that we take for granted.

A person that has Alzheimer's disease endures torrents of rain to the brain every moment of the day. The rain comes to their brains with such force that it cannot be assorbed or used to perform daily functions. It just runs off with out ever nurturing the brain.

The force of the rain that is pummeling Peggy's brain every day keeps her thoughts jumbled and causes her memories to run off like a river.

Peggy was in a happy mood this morning. I told her that I was coming to see her on Monday. She said you are!!

I have some concern that she won't know who I am and I'm not sure how I will react to that.

Maybe the torrents of rain will hold off that day and she will smile and say, Hi Mary Louise. I hope for that but I am preparing myself for the rivers and torrents of  the Alzheimer's rain.

The rivers of Alzheimer's rain that run through her mind constantly and may have emptied  her brain of any memories of me.

I am hoping for a soft, soaking rain that day so we can walk together in the rain like we did when we were young girls.

Either way, we will be together.  Alzheimer's may be winning in the storm of Peggy's brain but it can not take my memories of her away.........

I will walk with her even if she doesn't remember who I am because so far.....

I've made it through the rain.

I Love YouToday, Peggy!

Mary Louise

A CROWDED, EMPTY ROOM....THE IN-BETWEEN

A CROWDED, EMPTY ROOM....THE IN-BETWEEN

The most unsettling part of a move to a new place is what I call "The In-Between."

Possessions have been packed, furniture loaded and I am standing in an empty room.   I feel the most vulnerable and lonely when I am standing in this place.

I have no home where I stand and no home where I am going!                              There is emptiness around me but I can hear the walls recalling times spent in this room.

All of the Christmases, birthdays, fun times and sad times in this place. These walls hold the echoes of my past. I look around one last time, walk to the door and close it. I feel a mixture of sadness and excitement and a touch of uncertainty as I lock the door and walk away.  

Maybe, Alzheimer's has a blessing tucked in the viciousness of its empty rooms. I felt the blessing this morning, when I heard Peggy's voice. She was calm and happy. She expresses no fear as the rooms of her mind are being emptied. She doesn't appear to be troubled by “The In-Between." places like I am.

She lives in the rooms of her mind and accepts what is happening to her. She is totally in the moment and isn't bothered by the In-between places of life.

 In Peggy's case, Alzheimer's doesn't appear to have In-between places.  She has no Past to haunt or to warm her.  She has no uncertainty about the Future.

There is only Now, this hour, this moment in time. Peggy seems to have no worries or hesitation about moving to the next stage of her journey. She has nothing surrounding her but the warmth of the present.

Her rooms have no past, no future. Empty is not real...     "In-Between." does not exist.

As I stand in the empty rooms of my mind, I continue to learn from Peggy.

She has taught me that my rooms need not be filled with clutter to be filled with love.           

She has taught me that empty is not bad and doesn't need to be feared.

She has taught me that Empty can be a place filled with peace, warmth and acceptance.

She is teaching me to live in my empty rooms without fear and loneliness and              to find the love that is present... even in empty spaces. 

Most of all she reminds me...

To change the things that I can change, accept the things that I cannot change and to continue to search for the Wisdom to Know the Difference!

Thank you, Peggy! I love you today!

Mary Louise

A PROPER GOOD-BYE

Alzheimer's disease has decided that Peggy's memories are junk. It has stacked a life time of her memories in a corner and they are collecting dust.

She can no longer recall birth's or death's, happy times or sad times.

She just sits and waits.....

Her husband has looked into facilities for Alzheimer's patients but said he cannot put her in any of the places that he has visited. The reason....all of the people in the facilities are elderly people in their 70's, 80's and 90's. No one, as young as Peggy is there.

He will have to make that decision one day soon but for now...He will keep her at home and safe.

I will be going to see Peggy next week and I must admit that I am scared.

Scared of seeing the Peggy that I knew gone...in person.

Scared of not being remembered... in person.

Scared of watching her disappear... in person

Scared of what I will feel when I see her.

Scared because I know that I can do nothing to help her.

This will be an important journey for me. I need to say good-bye to her and can only do that face to face. 

 I need to say good-bye even if the face that I am  saying good-bye to...doesn't remember who I am.

This might be my last chance to hug her and tell her that................. I Love Her Today......In Person.

This will be my journey to look Alzheimer's disease in the face...in person and see what it has done to my beautiful, younger sister.

Peggy may not remember me next Monday but I have a video tape running in my head of the Peggy that I have known since the day she was born.

I Love You Today, Peggy and I will see you....in person next Monday!

I wish, with all that I am that we could have one hour... just 60 minutes to be just like we were before Alzheimer's disease entered her mind and destroyed all of her memories.... Just one hour...Just 60 minutes

To say....

A proper Good-bye.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE BROKEN PINKIE PROMISE

FOREVER FRIENDS

When Peggy and I were children, we made a pinkie promise to one another one day. It was a hot summer day and we had been playing dolls in the back yard of our house. We took our dolls to our place between Mrs. Lilly's fence and our garage. There, we made our pinkie promise.

The promise that was made with all the conviction of young hearts. The promise was that we would always be friends and we would always live next door to one another. We would each have two children, a girl and a boy and they would play together. Every Friday, we would take the #3 West End bus downtown and eat lunch together in the Loveman's department store restaurant.

What we didn't know that day was that Alzheimer's disease had chosen Peggy and would take all her promises away. It was with us the day that we made our promises to one another. I now think that Alz. tried to pry our fingers apart that day but with the resolve of our youth, had no success.

Alzheimer's would slither away and wait for a day in Peggy's future. A day when it would successfully take the promise of her life from her and from us.

Alzheimer's disease kept it's promise and successfully pried our fingers apart one day not so long ago.

It was the day that I called Peggy and she didn't know who I was.

Our Pinkie promise was broken and so was my heart.

Alzheimer's probably laughed at my tears that day. I hung up the phone and cried as I remembered two little girls with so much promise in their lives. Two little girls who were supposed to be together forever. We honestly thought that nothing could break our bond because we had made a Pinkie promise. A promise to always be forever friends and to stay close.

Alzheimer's disease scoffed at our promise and is taking my forever friend away a little more every day.

Peggy cannot keep her pinkie promise to me but I will keep my Pinkie promise to her by staying close.........

until she completely disappears...

I Love You today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

MY LIFE..OUTSIDE OF WATCHING MY SISTER DISAPPEAR

I have received many supportive E-mails since starting my journal about Peggy. It has helped more than anyone can know.

I felt the need this morning to let you know that there are other sides to my life. Fun, happy sides that I wanted to share with you.

I have several other journals that will give you the other side of my life. Peggy and I were always joking and laughing about life and she would be very upset with me if I let people think that I was always sad and down over her.

So, I invite you to read the other side of my life.

My favorite writings in Getting Old Ain't for Sissy's... were written in July of this year. It is...1. VACATION  (PUFF.. (PUFF) and 2. THE BEACH CRITIC...AT THE BEACH.

I hope you will take the time to visit my other journals and see that I am not a completely depressed, sad person..

Peggy is always on my mind and she always will be but there has to be room to live and laugh. She would be the first person to encourage me to do this.

I will continue to call her every day and write my feelings but I needed some balance. Writing in my other journal's has given me the balance that I needed in my life and in my writing.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Thank You.. for making me laugh this morning and by your laughter... encouraged me to share the humor that we alway's had together!

Mary Louise

http://journals.aol.com/mlrhjeh/Gettingoldaintforsissys

http://journals.aol.com/mlrhjeh/THEGRANDCHILDRENSPEAK

http://journals.aol.com/mlrhjeh/MARYLOUISESPHOTOSHOOT