REMEMBERING CHRISTMAS..REMEMBERING PEGGY

Hey Peggy,

Christmas is always hard without you.

We had some grand times growing up this time of year.

If somewhere...somewhere in your soul, you remember Christmas at 1805 St Charles Court....I smile!

I hope you remember the love of our family at Christmas.

 Just a little part of it........ Any part of it.

We had such fun. So many laughs.

 

Daddy and Mother sitting in chairs. Daddy passing out the gifts.

Paper flying....

Laughter and squeals.

Happy times together as a family!

Happy times together as Sisters.

I miss those Christmases, Peggy.

I miss Mother and Daddy.

AND....

I miss you........ At Christmas and always.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THIS SIDE OF CHRISTMAS MEMORIES.

Wherever you are......

I send you my love.

Merry Christmas....2007!

Mary Louise

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THE "MEMORY PLACE" STORE

 

PEGGY AND A CHRISTMAS PAST!

I WROTE THIS ENTRY LAST DECEMBER 13TH AND IT HOLDS TRUE TODAY.

IF I COULD GIVE PEGGY ONE GIFT THIS CHRISTMAS...IT WOULD BE HER MEMORIES.

 

I have been shopping for Christmas and searching for the perfect gifts for those I love.

 I walked through the stores at the mall and looked at all the wonderful gifts that I could buy. I took my time because these will be special gifts, opened on Christmas morning. 

While shopping, I thought about a store that I wish existed in our mall.

It would be called "The Memory Place Store".

I could go in this shop and buy my gifts to give to Peggy for Christmas.

I could stroll down the isles of the Memory Place Store and buy all of her memories back, wrap them in pretty christmas paper and give them to her this Christmas morning.

On Christmas morning, under her Christmas tree, there would be colorful boxes, decorated with bows and glitter and signed, Love, Mary Louise.

She could open the boxes one at a time and each would contain a group of  her forgotten memories. 

One box would have all the stories of her childhood.

Just by opening the box, her childhood memories would flood back into her brain as she sipped the coffee that she loved.

Next, she could open the gift box containing all of the memories of her teen years.

She would carefully take them from the box and drape them around her neck and in a flash, all of those memories would be hers again on this special Christmas day.

 Then, she would open the next three boxes.

Those boxes would have the memories of her 20's, 30's and 40's wrapped in white tissue paper.

She would open the boxes one at a time and have all of those memories drift back into her mind while sitting in the light of her shining, twinkling Christmas tree.

The next gift box would contain the memories of her husband, her marriage and of her children.

What joy would shine from her face as she looked at them lying in the box and she could remember all of the times they spent together.

She would throw the contents of the box into the air and let the memories rain down on her and bask in the glow of their love and remember each of them once again.

The last gift box would hold the memories of our parents, her sisters and her brother.

She would smile and hold the box to her heart and remember the love that we all share. She could take each memory out and hold it in her hands. She could throw the memories around like balls, bouncing them from the floor to the ceilings while laughing.

Her eyes would be shining and brimming with tears because she could remember her life and the love that was shared at Christmas time and the rest of the year.

On this special Christmas morning...The morning of miracles, Peggy could have a miracle for one day.

For this one special Christmas Day, Peggy would get 7 beautiful boxes. Each box containing the gift of the remembering her life.

 

She would open all of "The Memory Place Store" gifts that were carefully wrapped in beautiful paper and colorful bows.

She could unwrap her past and present and remember.

She would have one day to remember what it is like to love and be loved. 

Peggy would know on Christmas day morning that even though her life is disappearing...

My love for her will never disappear!

Just because she cannot remember.... doesn't mean that I have forgotten!

Life may end, times spent together may end but ....

Love remembered at Christmas and through the year will never end!!

Merry Christmas, Peggy!

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

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A GREASY SPOT

    No one knows better than a sister       

    how we grew up, and who our

    friends, teachers and favorite toys were.

    No one knows better than she.    (Dale V. Atkins)

 

                        This knowing about our lives....

            Is what Alzheimer's disease took from Peggy.

                   This disease......

                                 took my sister from me.

 

 I have often thought that if Alzheimer's disease

could take on a form.....

It wouldn't ever want to meet me.

It would want to hide from me.

I grew up watching out for Peggy,

defending her against anyone who  was mean to her

or would harm her.

Alzheimer's disease wouldn't ever want to meet me

after what it has done to Peggy.

My anger towards this vile monster would be unleashed

and after the fight....

There would only be a greasy spot where Alzheimer's stood.

PEGGY AT THE NURSING HOME

I love you Today, Peggy!   I miss you so much!

Mary Louise

 

ABSENT..but Remembered

The approach of the holidays is harder than ever when

someone you love cannot be apart of your life.

It really doesn't matter why they will be absent....

it is just that they are not there to celebrate with you.

 When we were first married, my husband was surprised when

my mother said how sad she would be because we were not able

to come home for Thanksgiving one year.

He said; I don't understand why she feels that way, she has 4 other children.

 He didn't understand until our own daughter could not come home one year.

 It doesn't matter how many people are present,

 if there is one person you love and that person is absent...

no one can take their place. No one can be that person.

No one can fill their place at the table or around the Christmas tree.

I feel like that about Peggy and the holidays.

I have many people in my life that I love dearly and who will bring joy for the gatherings to come.

BUT

There was just one Peggy and....................

She has disappeared and cannot be a part of the holiday joy this year!

  (THANKSGIVING FUN) Peggy, Betty Jean, Barbara

                                                                        ML   (taking picture )

 

Betty Jean, Barbara, Mary Louise, Peggy  (CHRISTMAS)

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I will remember you this holiday season and forever!

Mary Louise

A PEGGY GIFT

One of the most important things I have learned as I have watched my sister disappear........

When someone you love and have depended upon all of your life disappears,

you are forced to find yourself.

I have learned to find my own strength, my own own inter- voice, my own  inter- parent.

I didn't realize how much I depended on Peggy to tell me that everything would be Ok, everything would work out and that I would be OK.

I depended on her and she, on me.

Now, she doesn't need my guidance and I have been forced to find my own.

I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I miss her very much but I am learning to depend on....

Me!

Thank you, PJ!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

OUT OF MY EYES

I see the world around me when I look out of my eyes but

I cannot see myself.

I can only see myself if I have the reflection of a mirror or something

else that projects my image back to me.

 My world can become small if I look out of my eyes and

 cannot process what I see.

I understand the world around me because my

brain sends a message to my eyes. I learned as I grew that a tree was a tree,

a car is a car, a house is a house.

What does Peggy see, now that her brain is not sending the correct messages to her eyes. Does she remember that a tree is a tree?

I wonder if her eyes recognize that she is Peggy when she sees her reflection in the mirror.

Does her plaque filled brain send the message to her eyes that a chair is a person or a person a chair?

Peggy whispers a lot and seems to talking in a language that only

she and the person that she is whispering with in her mind can understand.

I have many questions about this disease and its effects on the brain. At present, my questions have no answers.

As I continue to try and figure this out it occurs to me.....

It really doesn't matter what Peggy sees or who she is talking with in hushed whispers during her day.

What matters is that she doesn't feel afraid or lonely. She smiles a lot and is content and happy.

If content, cared for and happy is what she sees when she looks from her eyes....

I'm glad that she can still see.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

 

THE BACKSTROKE, THE BUTTERFLY AND UNDERWATER TURNS

 

Photo by MaryLouiseRossHarris ...March 2007

                                                                                                     

I don't like to feel anger but I think it is healthy to feel and

acknowledge that it is there...then learn from it and move on.

I also think that it would be un-natural to say or pretend that

there is no anger while watching someone you love disappear from your life.

Maybe, I am the un-natural one for feeling and acknowledging

my anger at Peggy from time to time.

I love Peggy dearly but I still feel abandoned by her in many ways.

I struggle with feeling anger towards my sister because I know that she would have never chosen this path for her life. She had no say in disappearing from the lives of all who love her.

I feel bad sometimes because it feels like that I am the only one who feels this anger or will acknowledge it.

Peggy has been and always be a special person in my life.

I have to think about my anger when it rears its ugly head.

It forces me to sort out and understand where it is coming

 from and how to handle it.

I feel this is the only way that I can grow as a person and as Peggy's sister.

I think of my anger as a tea pot boiling on a stove.

 Once I reach the boiling point and spew out my feelings

I can remove the heat, which is the anger under the pot.

Only then can I think, sort and understand some of the

mixed feelings that I encounter from time to time

where Peggy is concerned.

I love her, no matter what. She is in my prayers all through the day

and if I wake up in the night.

I have felt anger toward Peggy during our lives as sisters.

I always told her why I was angry and she shared

her anger with me.

I think that if you love someone, you care enough to get angry.

I'm not talking about destructive anger but constructive anger.

Maybe, even a little poor me anger from time to time.

 

I love and care about my sister, Peggy and...

I'm still angry that she went away!

I think that is a OK statement to make because if our fates were reversed, Peggy would be giving you an ear full of her anger

about my leaving!

That's just the way the Ross girls feel about one another.

We love each other enough to get angry and share that anger with one another but always with care.

Anger doesn't need to be loud and abusive.

It may be hurtful but it can be a stepping stone to growth

if one is willing to learn.

I think that I grow each time that I am honest and

acknowledge that I have feelings of anger concerning Peggy.

It does not hurt Peggy and will not hurt me if I understand

where it is coming from and strive to learn as I go through

this long process of watching her disappear.

I know that I grow each time that I refuse to sit in the anger

for very long.

I have found that I never have to sit in my pool of anger

for very long before I learn something interesting about myself.

I have learned that if I sat in my pool of anger for to long...

I  would drown and be of no help to anyone.

I have learned so much while watching Peggy disappear.

I have learned that I can be angry with the disease and with Peggy

and it is OK to have those feelings.

I have learned to jump into the pool of my anger, swim around for awhile, get out and dry off.

I Love You, Peggy and thank you for teaching me how to swim.

I'm perfecting the back stroke, the butterfly and the

quick underwater turns.

You will be proud to know that I am swimming better every day!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise