THE MOVING VAN

When my Mother and Daddy died, I felt such a sense of loss.   

 I was a grown woman who felt like an orphan. I was aware that no matter how much I wanted too, I could never go home again.

I could never walk through the front door of 1805 St. Charles Court and yell...I'm Home!!!   I would never see Mother sitting at the kitchen table drinking her coffee or Daddy working in the back yard. 

 I could never lie on the bed in the front bedroom and sleep soundly knowing that I was home and safe. I could never sit down to a meal at the kitchen table and hear all the familiar voices of my childhood.

This is what it feels like to watch Peggy disappear with Alzheimer's Disease.        

The part of my life that was shared with Peggy is over and I can never go home to her again.   

Just like Mother and Daddy...she is no longer there. She is no longer at home.

 The house she has lived in is being emptied.... one piece of furniture at a time.

All I can do is stand in the front yard and watch as all her belongings are loaded onto a truck.                                               All of the furniture that made Peggy who she was is being loaded in a moving van and taken to a destination that I can never visit. 

Every call that I make to her confirms that she is leaving.

As I watch the truck pull away...I can see Peggy leaning out of the truck window. She is waving and smiling. I hear her yelling to me,

Goodbye, M. L.      Be happy for me because.......

I am going Home!!

All I can do is smile at her and wave as she leaves. Tears choke my voice as I whisper...Good-bye to Peggy every day.

 I'll miss you more than You can Remember!

Happy is the person who knows what to remember of the past, what to enjoy in the present, and what to plan for the future.          A. Glason

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

LESSONS THAT I HAVE LEARNED while Watching Peggy Disappear

 

My grief over Watching Peggy Disappear has taught me many things.

It is very easy to sit in the anger of losing her and shut off my mind to the fact that there are blessing in my grief.

I now understand that If....

My grief teaches me only Anger...my blessing will be lost.

If it teaches me nothing but Bitterness... my blessing will be lost.

If it has taught me nothing but Pain...my blessing will be lost.

If my grief over losing my sister has only taught me Fear..my blessing will be lost.

If it teaches me nothing but Uncertainty...my blessings will be lost.

If grief teaches me nothing but Resentment...my blessings will be lost.

Watching Peggy Disappear has taught me to feel...Anger, bitterness, pain, fear, uncertainty and resentment but it has also taught me....

To live in the Moment.

To laugh at the things Peggy says and not cry even when she thinks that I am Jim.

To appreciate and treasure the memories of my life.

To tell the people I love that I love them every day.

Watching Peggy disappear has also taught me...

To control my fear and not let my fear of getting Alzheimer's disease control my life.

I have found new strength in my grief over losing my sister a little at a time. At least, I am given the time to let her go slowly.

I have found the strength.....

To embrace my grief and know that I can live through it.

Peggy's living death has taught me that nothing is forever. That this moment is the day and the time to live. 

I have learned that joy does not come in perfect words and sentences but in the sound of a voice.

Peggy's illness has taught me that...

Memories may be all we have of someone that we love.

I have learned how to hold on to things in my life and how to let go.

I have learned that it isn't important that she remembers me because I can remember her.

I have learned in my grief over watching Peggy disappear to...

Not take anything for granted.

To let go of my anger over small things and manage my anger over big things.

I have learned what a privilege it is to......

Get in my car and drive to the grocery store,runerrands or just walk through the mall alone.

I have learned what a privilege it is to dress myself, to bathe and go to the bathroom alone.

Peggy continues to teach me every day with her courage, her spirit and her struggle to live!

Out of The Prison of Alzheimer's Disease Peggy has reached inside my soul and touched me. She has made me a better, more caring person because of her dying. 

Her disease has made me more aware of other people and their pain. Watching her live through this disease has helped to make me a more tender and open person.

She has helped me to realize the blessing of my everyday life and how special all of my moments are.

She still teaches me through the pain of Watching Her Disappear by the sound of her voice.

I thank you Peggy for everything that you are and everything that you have taught me as you continue to struggle with this disease.

Through the process of your dying...

You have taught me how to live!

I Love You Today, Peggy and I thank you!

Mary Louise

 

QUESTIONS

I asked Peggy some questions during my visit with her last month.

I wanted to try and understand what she was thinking as Alzheimer's erases memories from her brain.

I asked her what she was thinking at that very moment.

Her reply was.... things.

What kind of things, Peggy? 

I don't know.

 Do you think about sad things or happy things when you are sitting here and thinking?

Sad things, she said.

Can you tell me about the sad things that you think about?

No, she replied.

Do you think about Mother and Daddy?

Sometimes.

Do you wonder who the people are that come to visit you?

Yes.

Why don't you ask the people who they are?

Peggy shrugged her shoulders...

Peggy, when you look in a mirror, who do you see looking back at you?

I don't know her.... she replied.

When you see that person in the mirror, who does she look like to you?

Her reply was...... nobody.

Then, I asked again, what do you see when you look in the mirror Peggy?

Her reply was....Nothing.

Do you remember what a sister is?

Yes

Peggy, do you know who I am?

No

Do you know that I Love you?

Yes.

Are you scared of anything?

No.

Are you happy?

Yes.

I am your sister, Peggy and I love you today, very much!

She looked at me and smiled.

There is no way to understand what she was thinking or feeling as I talked with her.

 I do know that when I looked at her that day, I saw my sister.

I saw a sister who is disappearing from Alzheimer's disease but I also saw the little sister that I love very much.

She may look in a mirror and see nothing...but when I looked at her that day, I saw a beautiful person.

I saw the memories of our lifetime together.

I saw Peggy....

My forever friend.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

 

 

ALZHEIMER'S TUG OF WAR

Peggy and I have been playing a game of tug of war with Alzheimer's disease. The disease has been pulling her into disappearance and I have been trying to pull her back.

We have been playing in a contest where two teams pull at opposite ends of a rope, each trying to drag the other across the mud puddle in the center. The teams pull with all their might, digging their heels into the ground. 

This tug of war contest is not a fair battle because Alzheimer's disease is as strong as an elephant.

In my game of tug-of-war...Alzheimer's disease is winning.              I have refused to let go of my end of the rope but I know that Peggy's illness will eventually pull me through the nasty mud of her total disappearance.

     

Peggy let go of the rope a few months ago. I knew that she had let go when she didn't remember who I was any longer. She held onto the rope as long as she could but one day, Peggy slipped and was drawn face down into the mud puddle in the center of the contest.

There were no screams of defeat from her mouth, she simply let go of the rope.

I continue to pull on my end of the rope.

I refuse to declare Alzheimer's disease the winner of this contest.

Peggy is losing her battle but there are many others who are standing on my side, pulling on the rope with every ounce of strength they posses.

There are the scientist who are searching for a cure and they will never let go of the rope until a cure is found. They search for a cure with a strength of purpose that is cast in bronze.

We will continue this contest of strength and there will be a cure found one day. There will be many Peggy's in the future who will be able to live normal lives, free of Alzheimer's disease.

One day, we will give the rope one last tug...

On that day, this vicious disease will be completely covered in the nasty, brown ooze in the center of the contest. It will lie defeated in the ooze that it creates in the minds of the people it touches.

On that day... a cure for this disease will be announced. The tug of war will be over and we will be declared the winner's of the contest.

It will be too late for Peggy when the cure is found but just in time for millions of other people.

People who will be facing Alzheimer's disease on the other end of a rope..... in the tug of war of their lives.

  http://www.alzheimers.org

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

LEVELS OF GRIEF

Dear Peggy,

I am learning that there are many levels of grief.   Today, I talked with you and I didn't tear up or feel bad when I hung up the phone. You were no different today than on most days.  I was the one who was different. I didn't expect to get anything back while we talked nor did I try to get you to remember.

Grief is like standing on a beach and watching the waves roll in and roll out. Some days, there is a storm at sea and the waves come in with such force that they literally knock me over. Today, the waves were small and easy to feel and watch as they slid back into the ocean.  

 When I bring my memories to the shore of the daily calls, I cause the waves to get rough. It is when I expect to get something back from Peggy that I cause my own stormy seas.

Today, I didn't expect to get anything back from her. I just wanted to hear her voice and calm the rough sea in my heart.

I wish that I could learn to be a buoy and never let the waves knock me over again.

But...I know me and I also know that there will still be those calls when I stand on the shore of my remembrances and try to get something back.       

There will be those days when I drop my anchor and try to get her to remember..... When I do that, then I am the one who will cause the stormy sea in my heart.

Peggy is sailing in a beautiful ship, on a sea of glass. She has no fear of rough seas or of the storms that I see in the distance.

 I am the sailor who keeps trying to bring her back to the shore before the storms come. I am the sailor who keeps dropping the anchor instead of being the buoy that rocks on the waves and rides out the storm with her.

I have much to learn about grief and how it is affecting me. I will try and learn to ride the waves as they come.    I will try to realize that my grief is like the ocean and the waves will continue. They will always roll in and they will never stop touching the shore of my heart. 

I will continue to stand facing the ocean and watching the approaching storms. And I know that I can not stop the waves from washing Peggy away, no matter how hard I try.. I will just strive to be her anchor in the storm as I continue to learn how to be a Buoy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

TRYING TO CATCH WATER

Have you ever given a baby a bath in a sink?         It never fails that they will put their little hands to the faucet to try and catch the water. They will work and work at the task but the water just flows through their hands.

This is what it feels like as I watch Peggy disappear from my life. Her life is like water running through my hands. I work and work at trying to hold on to her but she continues to slip through my fingers.  It doesn't matter how tight I make my fists, I cannot hold on to her.

Alzheimer's disease has turned her life and memories into liquid and she is going down the drain.

I put a stopper in the drain for a while to try and keep her from going. I called her every day to remind her that I loved her and that we were sisters.

 Now, the drain is open and her life is pouring through the hole in the bottom of the sink and there is nothing that I can do.....nothing but love her as she continues to slip through my fingers and disappear.

This is a vicious disease and I hate it for taking my sister away. I hate the way it has turned her life into liquid. I hate the way it has turned her memories into water. I hate the way I feel as I watch her slide away and I hate this disease.

 But most of all..I hate the knowledge that I can only watch as Peggy runs through my fingers and continues to go down the drain.

I do find comfort in the warmth of her life and all of my Peggy memories as she slides through my hands.

The memories of laughter, secrets and sharing. The comfort of knowing that she was as close as a phone call. 

Today, she continues to slide through my cupped hands and disappear down the dark hole in the bottom of the sink.

Today, she didn't remember me or that we were sisters.

Today, Peggy is closer to completely disappearing down the dark hole in the bottom of the sink.

 The dark hole called....Alzheimer's disease.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

I miss you so much!

Mary Louise

 

 

 

 

THE ALZHEIMER'S TRUNK

I think that having Alzheimer's disease would be like packing a trunk for storage.

It is a trunk that will be stored in an attic for many years. It is a trunk that will gather dust and can never be opened. It will sit with all of the contents of Peggy's life safely stored away.

Peggy has been packing her Alzheimer's trunk for 6 or 7 years.       It is almost to the top and will not hold many more thoughts from her life.    

She has already packed most of her memories in the trunk.           She has packed the ability to do the every day tasks that we take for granted.

She has forgotten tasks like standing and sitting, personal care, conversation of any kind and sharing her thoughts on a subject.

Alzheimer's disease is standing beside Peggy's trunk. It is smiling as one more memory, one more learned task is folded and put away.

When the trunk is finally full, Alzheimer's will point its crooked finger at Peggy and direct her to also step into the trunk. It will then close the lid, lock and drag her trunk to a lonely attic.

Alzheimer's disease thinks that the Peggy that I knew will be locked away forever in her life trunk.

What Alzheimer's disease doesn't know is that I have a key to Peggy's trunk.

It is the key that can open the trunk and all of the memories of my sister.

It is the key to the trunk where all of my memories of Peggy are stored.

Alzheimer's disease will take Peggy away just as surely as it has taken all of her memories way but......

I HAVE A KEY.....  

I have a key that Alzheimer's disease can never take away.

I will find my way to the attic where Peggy's trunk is stored on days in my future.

I will take my key and open Peggy's trunk and take our shared memories out, one by one.

I will remember her laughter, her tears, her sense of humor. I will remember her joy's, her Love you--Mean it!

I will remember our childhood, our teens, our wedding days and the births of our children.

I will sit in the attic beside Peggy's trunk and see rays of light as they stream through the tiny windows. I will watch as the dust in the attic dances in the air.

I will sit with Peggy's trunk open and with all of our memories spread around me on the floor. I will hold each memory close to my heart

I will sit by Peggys trunk and remember....

I will sit, smile and remember...I will remember....

My Sister, Peggy.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise