Dancing Through The Rain

Have you heard the phrase, "I'm dancing as fast as I can"?

When I finished my call to Peggy this morning, that is the way that I felt!

 My heart was tired from dancing! I had to dance around the silences, dance around her struggle for words, dance and pretend that everything was normal.

If  Love and dancing were enough, We could All Love and Dance her Well because Peggy is surrounded by family and friends who Love her and who would Dance for her Forever!

Sometimes, Love is Not Enough!  Sometimes, we can't Dance fast enough!

My Dancing cannot stop the Dark Storm clouds of Alzheimer's from gathering around her head. 

No Matter how fast I dance, I cannot stop Alzheimer's from pelting her mind with a cold rain.                

 But I can.......GRAB MY UMBRELLA AND COVER HER HEAD

  AND....TOGETHER, WE CAN DANCE........

WE CAN DANCE THROUGH THE RAIN and THROUGH the STORM

 OF THIS DISEASE!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU TODAY, PEGGY!

Mary Louise

All The Tears Of My Life

I talked with Peggy this morning. It is difficult to manage the grief that I feel talking with her and the happiness I can still hear in her voice. Why do I feel so sad when she sounds so happy? It is because when I hear her voice, I know that Peggy is disappearing from my life and then .. All The Tears of My Life spill over into my heart!     

This journal is helping me move through my grief and not get stuck. I have to admit that there are day's when I just Sit in the grief like it is a huge pile of dung. I sit and cry and smell the rancid, repulsive odor of my grief and pain. Then I shake off the dung, wash off the smell and continue my life. I think that one can either deal with the grief head on or live in denial, so I Grieve, I sit in it and write my feelings. 

 I am aware that I am not only writing the grief over Peggy but I am writing the grief of ALL of my life! Every grief experience is re-awakened during this journey with Peggy and is thrown into the pot and stirred.  My  grief over losing Peggy is flavored with all of the other experiences of pain and grief that I have ever lived. Every one handles grieving in different way's. Writing is the way that I choose to explore my pain and learn from my grief.  Then, I am able to take another baby step toward acceptance of this situation.

 Just like no two snowflakes are alike.. and there are No Two Grief experiences that are alike!  The reason being..  we each bring all of our own personal life experience of grief and pain to the process.     

So... As I write, I do not cry for Peggy and her disappearing only...I write and Cry.... ALL THE TEARS OF MY LIFE! 

 I love you Today, Peggy            Mary Louise

"The Winter of The Mind"

 WINTER..The coldest season of the year following Autumn. A period of decline and distress,ect.

This could also be a definition of Alzheimer's Disease and called "The Winter of the Mind" "The Winter of the Mind" started slowly in Peggy, blowing puffs of cold air on her brain. Cold periods where she would forget, misplace things, miss appointments.    

 Peggy's  "Winter of the Mind" has placed it's icy hands on her brain and is in control. It is getting colder and blows crystals of ice that swirl around in her mind and body. She is slowly beginning to freeze as "The Winter of the Mind"  releases constant attacks to her brain.  

It will continue the storm until her brain is compeletly covered with snow and ice. The Peggy that I knew is now, frozen in time. She can only wait for the next assault of Winter to further freeze every thought and memory that she has ever had.   Winter will stay with Peggy until there is nothing left but the Cold and the Silence of a Winter storm that has passed. 

 I love you, Peggy and I would do anything for you but I can't melt "The Winter in Your Mind"! It is a helpless feeling to watch as Winter takes you away!  Sadness in my heart because you are going from my life and sadness that I cannot do much to Help You.... as You  Face "Your Winter"!  

 I Love You Today, Peggy!     MaryLouise

A Common Thread

 I have worked hard NOT to say, "Do you rememember" to Peggy. Some days, I feel drained after my call because I work so hard to fill the silences. I know that I am more uncomfortable with the silences than Peggy seems to be. I have decided that with every call, I will tell her things from our past as sister's and not ask her if she remembers. 

Sometimes, I want to quit calling. I don't think that it would make any difference to Peggy. I keep wanting something, anything back when we talk. I want some recognition from her even if it is just.. Goodbye, MaryLouise.

It's almost as if I am talking to a Card Board cut out. I hear her and it sounds like Peggy but no responce or recognition. It feels strange because we have shared so much together.

 I have been told that I need to let her go but I am not willing or able to do that. If she had died and there was finality, I could start the process of letting her go but she is still walking, talking and breathing and I refuse to give up on her.

There are day's when I hang up the phone and ask myself..Why are you putting yourself through this every day! Giving and always hoping for a tiny bit of recoginition on her part that never comes. I know in my head not to expect her to say, Hi, MaryLouise but my heart is stubborn and will not listen to my head.

I cannot say goodbye to a sister who is still alive and I think, needs me. She is a sister who listened to my deepest hurts and shared my highest joys and felt them as her own. I know that she still needs me on some level and I will never let her go.. until she takes her last breath. Then, I can stop because she will be safe, at home and in the care of other loved ones who can take up where we, on earth, left off.

 I have wonderful sisters and there is no place more comforting than in their arms when things are good and when they are bad. Our parents gave us a great gift and that was the gift of truely caring for one another.

We are More than Just acquaintances....It's as if we are cut from the same fabric. Even though we appear to be sewn in a different pattern,we have a common thread that Won't be broken....by people or years or distance! (Author unknown)

Let Peggy Go....NO WAY!  A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle!

I love you today, Peggy!      MaryLouise

I Will Remember You!

I Will Remember You... by Sarah McLachlan   (Liberties Taken)

I will remember you. Will you remember me?

 Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not for the memories.

Remember the Good Times that we had!

Let them slip away from us when things got bad. 

Clearly, WE first saw you smiling in the sun. We want to feel your warmth around us. We want to be the ones!

I'm so Tired but I can't sleep. Standing on the edge of Something Much too Deep!

Funny, how we Feel so much but Cannot say a Word.

Though we are Screaming inside.........We can't be Heard!

I Will Remember You! Will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by..Weep Not For the Memories!

So afraid to Love You...More afraid to lose..

We are Clinging to a Past that doesn't let us choose!

Where once there was darkness, a deep and endless night.

You gave us everything you had.......AHHH... Peggy,

You gave us light!

SO>>>>>

We will Remember You!

Will You Remember me?

Don't let your Life pass you by.

We will weep NOT for all our Memories!!!

 WE ALL LOVE YOU TODAY, Peggy!

MaryLouise, BettyJean,Johnny and Barbara

 

 

Living in a World of Strangers!

This morning, Peggy would only say, I don't know or I can't remember.  I told her that I loved her today. She said, I love you too. After I hung up the phone, I thought about what it would be like to live in a world of strangers. A world with faces but no names or remembered connections to the faces.  I was in a airport of a major city and traveling alone recently. I realized that I was experiencing some of what it would feel like to have Alzheimer's Disease! It was several hours before my next flight so I sat at a table and watched people as they passed. I was aware that there was not a single face that I knew.  It was a lonely experience to be among so many people who were strangers.  I knew that we would remain strangers because we were just sharing a moment in time. I made my way to my plane and boarded with another mass of strangers. I smiled at the pilots as I boarded.  I was aware that I was placing my life in the care of people that I did not know!  I was trusting total strangers to safely take me home. I landed in my home airport and exited the plane. I made my way, with other strangers to collect my luggage.  Then, I spotted a familar face in the crowd. A face that I remembered and that remembered me and had come to take me home!  Peggy is waiting for that familar face who will come to take her home!  There are Angels among the Strangers that come in and out of our lives!      I love you today, Peggy!      Mary Louise

The New Year

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Looking forward into an empty year strikes one with a certain awe, because one find's there in no recognition.    The years behind have a friendly aspect and they are warmed by the fires that we have kindled and all their echoes are the echoes of our own voices.              Alexander Smith

The comfort of knowing that our bond will survive despite our differences and that our connection provides each of us with a more accurate picture of ourselves enhances our chances of finding inner peace and satisfaction as we age together.   Jane Mersky Leder

LOVE DOESN'T TRY TO SEE THROUGH OTHER'S..... BUT....

TO SEE OTHER'S THROUGH!         

Happy New Year Peggy and....        

I Love You today!

Mary Louise