THE GREATEST LESSONS

I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy on television last week.

Meredith's mother has been in a nursing home for five years with brain clutter and forgetfulness of Alzheimer's disease. She spent five years not knowing who or where she was and of not recognizing her only daughter.

Five years of not remembering her life or being to communicate with anyone.

No one understands how a person in this condition can suddenly awaken for a period of time and remember.

The awakening can last for seconds, minutes, hours, days or even weeks. It is a rare gift that can happen with Alzheimer's patients.

I watched the people play the roles and was astounded at the waste of precious time played by both characters.

 Old issues resurfaced during the awakening and though many words were spoken, there was nothing of love or care to one other.

I wondered what I would say to Peggy if she were to suddenly awaken after all of these years?

I could imagine the words would flow like water running over a waterfall at tremendous force. There would be so many things that I would want to tell her.

  I would tell her that I have grandchildren now and recite their names and ages.  I would want to tell her about all the things that have happen in my life since she forgot who I was and that we were sisters.

I would talk fast so that I could get everything in before she slipped away again.            I would tell her all of my accomplishments and disappointments. I would talk, talk, talk just like we used to do before she got sick.

 I would ask her........

And then, I stopped my thought process.

If I have a moment, hour or a day to talk to Peggy again, I would probably skip most of the things that I recited above...

I would hug her and tell her over and over how much I had missed her and how much I love her. I would say the things that I didn't say enough when we were together.

I would ask her questions about where she has been and what it felt like to have Alzheimer's disease. I would ask her if she felt afraid or safe.

We never know how much time we have with the people we love and admire.

In the television show, Grey's Anatomy, I watched as Meredith and her mother wasted the short time that they were given, time that may or may not ever come again.

I have always heard that talk is cheap. I would waste time with Peggy by talking and telling her about my life these past years.

We live in the now..........

To be able to talk to someone in the now is a gift and to hug that person is a gift and to have them hug back is a greater gift.

If I ever have the privilege of speaking to Peggy again, I would just look at her and tell her how much I love her. I would tell her how much I have missed her and how proud I have always been of her and I would add.....

It is so nice to have you back again even for a little while.

It is so nice to see your smile.

It is so nice to see recognition in your eyes.

I want to thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for our growing up years as children, young adults and grown women.

Thank you for all that you taught me along the way. Thank you for always believing in me even when I didn't believe in myself.

I would take her hands and look into her eyes and say...........

Peggy, you taught me a lot when we were together but you know what.......you taught me the greatest lessons of all....

When you went away!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

I'LL TALK TO YOU IN MY DREAMS!

I had another dream about Peggy the other day. I don't have them as often as I once did and I think that is normal. 

Dreams feel so real that I actually felt that Peggy and I had talked when I awaken.

I'm sure a Psychiatrist would have a field day with this one!

I called Peggy and we were talking just like we used to do. I asked her if she could come to visit me. The longer we talked, the slower her voice became and the softer it became, the further away it became.  Her words were was so soft towards the last of our conversation that I had to strain to hear her speak.

  I started talking  louder and telling her all the things we could do and the places we could go while she was here.

When there was was no response from her and I said; Peggy, are you there? Peggy, can you hear me?

There was still no response from her end of the phone. I felt a sense of desperation as I continued to call her name. When she finally spoke, it was like listening to a recording that was slowing down. Her words were slow, muffled and distorted.

I yelled into the phone...Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, can you still hear me?

She finally said in a slow, distorted voice..Yes, but Louise...............

I don't know anything new to say!  I can't remember anymore words.

And then her voice faded away and I awaken.

How true that dream was when I thought about it later.

Peggy is like a record recording that has been so damaged, so distorted over time, so scratched and warped that it can barely be recognized as the new recording that it was when we used to talk.

The old Peggy is damaged beyond repair and the new Peggy.....

Can't remember the words to say.

I didn't like the way that the dream ended but I did get to talk to her in the beginning of the dream and that was a gift.

I think that our dreams help us to stay connected to those we cannot connect with and work out unresolved  feelings.

It's rather nice to know that I will always have a connection to Peggy in my dreams. The dreams are coming less often now as I become resigned to her disease.

But for now, I know that....

 I'll talk to you in my dreams, Peggy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE LAST HUG

I wrote in my last entry that I tend to analyze everything that I don't understand.

I wish that I had a brain "pause control" or at least a volume control to turn down the constant questions that bounce around in my head.

Sometimes, I can figure things out but mostly, the questions are never resolved because they really have no answers.

The "why" of my head noise is always with me.

I can never do a project without trying to figure out how to do it a better way.

I was thinking today about making the simple hug better so that the feeling could last forever.

My daughter hugged me goodbye yesterday as she was leaving and I wanted the feelings of that hug to last forever.

I was wondering if there is a better way to remember the exact feelings of a hug good-bye.

I do know that a hug goodbye feels different from a hug, hello.

A hug you give to someone you care about contains all the feeling you have assigned to that person. A hug from that person carries the assigned feelings that they have given to you.

Peggy and I shared a lot of hello and goodbye hugs over our lifetime as sisters. We hugged goodbye in front of our houses, at airports, at our parents home and many other places.

We hugged goodbye at those times,  knowing we would see one another again.

I am trying to remember our last hug goodbye. The hug that said we would see one another again. The hug that let me know that she knew that I was Mary Louise, her sister.

It has been so long ago that I am slowly forgetting how it felt.  How it felt to know we would see one another again and talk and laugh again, that we would share our lives again on the phone or in person.

Peggy's hugs, since she developed Alzheimer's disease are stiff and wooden. I can tell by her hugs,  the assigned feelings that made me her sister are gone.

Now, she has completely forgotten how to hug. Her arms hang limp against her sides as arms surround her in a hug.

It's just a simple thing...a hug.

A simple thing that carries a world of feelings gathered over a life time.

Peggy has forgotten how to hug and she has forgotten how to send assigned feelings that are encompassed in a hug.

I have started to forget how our last hug felt. I have trouble remembering where and when ourlast real hug took place.

I do not have Alzheimer's disease and I am forgetting the feelings that always surrounded our good-bye hugs. The feelings that said I love you and will see you again. The feelings that said, call me if you need me and the feelings that said, I need some breathing time away from family. All of that could be said in a simple hug.

  I think that time helps us remember the hugs good-bye but not the feelings attached to the hug as clearly any more.

It is a simple thing...............A hug.

It's interesting how something as simple as a hug can be..................

 Missed so much.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

ANALYZE THIS....

My computer has been down.

I have felt cut off from everyone and the world wide web.

I didn't realize how much having a connection to the computer meant until...I didn't have it any longer.

Just like I take for granted having power in my house. I don't think about it until it goes off.  I sit in a dark room and deal with my thoughts without the normal interruptions of radio, television and telephones.

I admit that I analyze everything to death, always have and probably always will.

When I couldn't get to the web sites, like my journals, I felt cut off and I admit, lonely.  I wasn't able to express my feelings and know that someone was reading what I was writing. I didn't know if someone was viewing the photographs on my photography journal or if someone was laughing at something that I had said on one of my other journals.

I felt cut off from important places and people.

I began to wonder if Peggy feels cut off from the world?

I wondered if she feels lonely because she cannot communicate with those who care about her and those she cares about?

Does she have any ability any longer to feel anything at all? I analyzed.....and analyzed.

 I wasn't able to write and explain my feelings, I felt cut off.  Not only to those who read my journal but from the ability to communicate the words, pictures and feeling that are always roaming around in my head..

As I analyzed my thoughts about what Peggy does or does not feel, I began to realize that instead of trying to figure out the why of something, maybe, I should just let it be as it is.

I still cannot understand why a vibrant, young woman would develop Alzheimer's disease and I probably never will but.... I can stop analyzing and trying to figure it all out and just love her.

I have been trying so hard to see through Alzheimer's disease and understand the why and how of it that I sometimes lose sight of the most important thing... Peggy.          

Not the way that she was but the way that she is today.

 I want to stop trying to see through her and figure everything out and just see her, as she is now. I need to stop trying to see through her and just see her through.

Writing makes my feelings real and then, I must deal with them

I thought about it and realized that the way that I handled not writing about Peggy was exactly the way that I handle not being able to talk with her any longer.

The same way that I handle anything in my life that hurts, confuses or scares me.

I handle it............................

Just a little bit at a time.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

THE NEW YEAR 2007

LOOKING FORWARD INTO AN EMPTY YEAR STRIKES ONE WITH A CERTAIN AWE..................

BECAUSE ONE FINDS THEREIN NO RECOGNITION.

THE YEARS BEHIND HAVE A FRIENDLY ASPECT AND THEY ARE WARMED BY THE FIRES THAT WE HAVE KINDLED.

ALL OF THEIR ECHOES ARE THE ECHOES OF OUR OWN VOICES.

(Alexander Smith)

I miss you on this January 1st of the year 2007, Peggy.

I hear all the echoes of our past.... as sisters, as friends, as confidants.

I still hear you, Peggy.

I still miss you.........hearing me!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Happy New Year 2007

Mary Louise

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2006

Merry Christmas Eve Peggy.

I miss you today.

I miss your laughter, your excitement, your smile.

I miss knowing you remember what Christmas means.

I miss sharing with you.

I miss so many things that made you...You.

I miss you this Christmas of 2006 but I am thankful for all the Christmas' that we shared as sisters.

This is just another day for you but for me...

It is the Christmas memories of our lifetime as sisters.

Merry Christmas, Peggy!

I Love You Today!

Mary Louise

 

FINDING MY CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

I was shopping for Christmas gifts the other day at our local mall.

I watched the people's faces as they hurried past me as I walked past the many stores that were decorated for Christmas.

I was feeling blue and needed to see a smile directed toward me. I needed a smile to help me through the sad feelings.

I did not see a single smile because everyone, including me, was absorbed in our own lives, our own  rush to buy gifts and our own sadness of the season.

I made my way to the food court, found a table and sat to watch people as they hurried past my table.

There was no laughter that I could hear. The mall music was softly playing Christmas carols in the background.

Everything was decorated and ready for Christmas except...

The people in the mall and......

Me.

I was searching for my Christmas spirit and my shopping trip to the mall made it very clear to me the the spirit that I was searching for that day was not to be found in...

The mall, the music that was playing or the decorations of the season.

The spirit that I am searching for this year cannot be bought, wrapped and given to me.

My Christmas spirit must be earned and given away to come back to me. I can't change what is going on, on the outside...but I can find what I am looking for on the inside.

My spirit this season can only be found inside of me.

I went back to the mall to try an experiment.

I didn't look at the faces of the people who passed me hoping that they would give me the smile that I needed from them.

Instead, I gave my smile to their faces.

I bought a gift in a store and as I turned to leave the store, I said Happy Holidays to the sales person and she smiled back at me.

I helped a lady pick up her coat from the floor and she smiled and thanked me. I said, Happy Holidays and she said, thank you and smiled back at me.

What I learned in a few hours in the mall was.....

You cannot wait for other people to give you the spirit of the season.

You have to give of yourself and when you do, the smiles will come from the faces of strangers and warm your heart. Giving of yourself brings the spirit of the season back home where it belongs.

If you are searching for the spirit of the season this year...You will find it when you give your spirit away.

It's amazing how the smiles come back home when you open the door of your heart and welcome others inside.

 Peggy, I miss you this Christmas season.

I miss your smile this year but I did see your smile in so many faces at the mall when I took the time to give my smile away.

I learned that I could not find the joy of this season until I was willing to give my Christmas Spirit away and expect nothing in return

Mary Louise       A work in progress

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad.

But never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

( Elbert Hubbard )