Tuesday, January 23, 2007


I had another dream about Peggy the other day. I don't have them as often as I once did and I think that is normal. 

Dreams feel so real that I actually felt that Peggy and I had talked when I awaken.

I'm sure a Psychiatrist would have a field day with this one!

I called Peggy and we were talking just like we used to do. I asked her if she could come to visit me. The longer we talked, the slower her voice became and the softer it became, the further away it became.  Her words were was so soft towards the last of our conversation that I had to strain to hear her speak.

  I started talking  louder and telling her all the things we could do and the places we could go while she was here.

When there was was no response from her and I said; Peggy, are you there? Peggy, can you hear me?

There was still no response from her end of the phone. I felt a sense of desperation as I continued to call her name. When she finally spoke, it was like listening to a recording that was slowing down. Her words were slow, muffled and distorted.

I yelled into the phone...Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, can you still hear me?

She finally said in a slow, distorted voice..Yes, but Louise...............

I don't know anything new to say!  I can't remember anymore words.

And then her voice faded away and I awaken.

How true that dream was when I thought about it later.

Peggy is like a record recording that has been so damaged, so distorted over time, so scratched and warped that it can barely be recognized as the new recording that it was when we used to talk.

The old Peggy is damaged beyond repair and the new Peggy.....

Can't remember the words to say.

I didn't like the way that the dream ended but I did get to talk to her in the beginning of the dream and that was a gift.

I think that our dreams help us to stay connected to those we cannot connect with and work out unresolved  feelings.

It's rather nice to know that I will always have a connection to Peggy in my dreams. The dreams are coming less often now as I become resigned to her disease.

But for now, I know that....

 I'll talk to you in my dreams, Peggy!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Sunday, January 14, 2007


I wrote in my last entry that I tend to analyze everything that I don't understand.

I wish that I had a brain "pause control" or at least a volume control to turn down the constant questions that bounce around in my head.

Sometimes, I can figure things out but mostly, the questions are never resolved because they really have no answers.

The "why" of my head noise is always with me.

I can never do a project without trying to figure out how to do it a better way.

I was thinking today about making the simple hug better so that the feeling could last forever.

My daughter hugged me goodbye yesterday as she was leaving and I wanted the feelings of that hug to last forever.

I was wondering if there is a better way to remember the exact feelings of a hug good-bye.

I do know that a hug goodbye feels different from a hug, hello.

A hug you give to someone you care about contains all the feeling you have assigned to that person. A hug from that person carries the assigned feelings that they have given to you.

Peggy and I shared a lot of hello and goodbye hugs over our lifetime as sisters. We hugged goodbye in front of our houses, at airports, at our parents home and many other places.

We hugged goodbye at those times,  knowing we would see one another again.

I am trying to remember our last hug goodbye. The hug that said we would see one another again. The hug that let me know that she knew that I was Mary Louise, her sister.

It has been so long ago that I am slowly forgetting how it felt.  How it felt to know we would see one another again and talk and laugh again, that we would share our lives again on the phone or in person.

Peggy's hugs, since she developed Alzheimer's disease are stiff and wooden. I can tell by her hugs,  the assigned feelings that made me her sister are gone.

Now, she has completely forgotten how to hug. Her arms hang limp against her sides as arms surround her in a hug.

It's just a simple thing...a hug.

A simple thing that carries a world of feelings gathered over a life time.

Peggy has forgotten how to hug and she has forgotten how to send assigned feelings that are encompassed in a hug.

I have started to forget how our last hug felt. I have trouble remembering where and when ourlast real hug took place.

I do not have Alzheimer's disease and I am forgetting the feelings that always surrounded our good-bye hugs. The feelings that said I love you and will see you again. The feelings that said, call me if you need me and the feelings that said, I need some breathing time away from family. All of that could be said in a simple hug.

  I think that time helps us remember the hugs good-bye but not the feelings attached to the hug as clearly any more.

It is a simple thing...............A hug.

It's interesting how something as simple as a hug can be..................

 Missed so much.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Sunday, January 7, 2007


My computer has been down.

I have felt cut off from everyone and the world wide web.

I didn't realize how much having a connection to the computer meant until...I didn't have it any longer.

Just like I take for granted having power in my house. I don't think about it until it goes off.  I sit in a dark room and deal with my thoughts without the normal interruptions of radio, television and telephones.

I admit that I analyze everything to death, always have and probably always will.

When I couldn't get to the web sites, like my journals, I felt cut off and I admit, lonely.  I wasn't able to express my feelings and know that someone was reading what I was writing. I didn't know if someone was viewing the photographs on my photography journal or if someone was laughing at something that I had said on one of my other journals.

I felt cut off from important places and people.

I began to wonder if Peggy feels cut off from the world?

I wondered if she feels lonely because she cannot communicate with those who care about her and those she cares about?

Does she have any ability any longer to feel anything at all? I analyzed.....and analyzed.

 I wasn't able to write and explain my feelings, I felt cut off.  Not only to those who read my journal but from the ability to communicate the words, pictures and feeling that are always roaming around in my head..

As I analyzed my thoughts about what Peggy does or does not feel, I began to realize that instead of trying to figure out the why of something, maybe, I should just let it be as it is.

I still cannot understand why a vibrant, young woman would develop Alzheimer's disease and I probably never will but.... I can stop analyzing and trying to figure it all out and just love her.

I have been trying so hard to see through Alzheimer's disease and understand the why and how of it that I sometimes lose sight of the most important thing... Peggy.          

Not the way that she was but the way that she is today.

 I want to stop trying to see through her and figure everything out and just see her, as she is now. I need to stop trying to see through her and just see her through.

Writing makes my feelings real and then, I must deal with them

I thought about it and realized that the way that I handled not writing about Peggy was exactly the way that I handle not being able to talk with her any longer.

The same way that I handle anything in my life that hurts, confuses or scares me.

I handle it............................

Just a little bit at a time.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Monday, January 1, 2007






(Alexander Smith)

I miss you on this January 1st of the year 2007, Peggy.

I hear all the echoes of our past.... as sisters, as friends, as confidants.

I still hear you, Peggy.

I still miss you.........hearing me!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Happy New Year 2007

Mary Louise