Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I saw a group of children playing in their front yard.

One little boy was very upset with his playmates and shouted.

Not fair, Not fair.That is not the rules, you have to play by the rules or I am going home!

He was very upset as he stomped away.

I felt for him because he is just starting to understand that people and life do not always play fair or play by the rules.

He does not yet know that sometimes, you can not go home and be safe from the bullies on the playground.

Peggy played by the rules.

She was an intelligent woman, avid tennis player and golfer. She watched her weight and ate right. She was a volunteer in many programs to help others. She was a kind person who believed in God and attended church every Sunday. She gave of herself to others every day of her life and Peggy played fair, she played by the rules.

Alzheimer's disease hasn't played by the rules and it is not fair.

Alzheimer's is just one of the bullies that play on the playgrounds of life. There are other bullies like Cancer, MD, MS, Parkinson's, LG disease and many other diseases that have formed a gang and terrorizes anyone who tries to play by the rules on the playground of life.

These bullies roam the playgrounds of the world and knock down people who are trying to play fair and by the rules.

When I see what these diseases can do to people, I want to shout.....

Not fair, not fair at all. Go Home!

There are times when I hear Peggy struggle to talk, days when she will not say a word to me and I want to scream.

I want to look Alzheimer's in the face as if we were on a playground and shout like that little boy did to his playmates.

Not fair, not fair. Go away, go home. Peggy and I do not want to play with you any more.

I'm taking Peggy far away from you and you can't play with us ever again!

We're going home!

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise

Saturday, February 18, 2006


I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.

Sometimes, nighttime is the worse time. I was up very late last night.

I looked up and down our street and it was apparent that my lights were the only lights that were still on. I felt like I was the only person in the world who was still awake and needed light in the dark of night.

I wondered if this is what Peggy feels like every day and night of her life now.

I thought a lot about her last night as I peered into the dark black sky out of my front windows.

I believe in love even when I don't feel it.

Then, I saw an airplane on approach to the Air Force Base that is about 8 miles from our home. The lights of the plane cut through the night sky and the straight streaks of light would guide the plane to land. The lights on that plane had a definite purpose.

I believe that I have a purpose in life even when I am not sure what it is.

The plane was on approach to a run way that is lighted in the darkness so that the plane can land safely.

I can not control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it.

I thought when I saw that plane,  I was not alone in the night like I had first thought. There are other people who are awake in the night like I was. Other people who have a purpose in the night.

So, though we may feel alone, we are never really alone.

Peggy is never alone and maybe, just maybe, she sees a light in her darkness too.

Maybe, just maybe she knows that she is not alone because there are others who share her darkness with her.

Darkness can be a scary place but it can also be a place where there are no distractions. No bright lights to keep us from thinking.

I miss the brightness of Peggy but....

I have learned so much from her darkness.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise



Monday, February 13, 2006


Today is Peggy's birthday.

I will call her tonight and sing to her just like I have done every year on her day.

Birthday's were big days in our home when we were growing up.

Mother made it a special day for the birthday person.

Growing up in a large family, it was nice to have a day when it was all about you.

So today, it is all about Peggy and her day.

I just wish she remembered.

Since she doesn't, we will just remember for her.





Amy Li wrote

Having a sister is like having a best friend that you can't get rid of.

You know that whatever you do..

Wherever you go...

They'll still be there.

I'm still here, Peggy and...

I Love you today!

Mary Louise

Wednesday, February 8, 2006


I did a video history of my Father a few years before he died. I came back home  that year with the intention of transferring the tapes but they stayed stored and forgotten until yesterday.

The tapes are a treasure because I can see and hear my daddy talk to me 10 years after his death.

I am in the process of transferring those memories from tape to DVD and spent most of the afternoon watching the  forgotten tapes, laughing and crying.

I remember the week that I went to visit my daddy with my video camera in hand. I wanted to save his voice and his verbal history for my children and their children. At the time, I didn't realize how important those tapes would become. I lived in the same house with my dad for 18 years and visited after that but we never sat down and really talked about his life.

I set the video camera on the table in his kitchen that day and started the tape.I started and stopped the camera with my remote control. Daddy soon forgot the camera was rolling as I asked him about his first memories and his growing up years. I asked him about his father and grand father who died before I was born and his brothers and sisters. For some reason, I never knew that there were 12 children in his family.

I asked him about the first time that he saw my mother. His eyes filled with tears and he said that she was the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. He remembered that she wore a blue dress with tiny pink flowers on it. He talked about her beautiful smile and blue eyes that danced with laughter and mischief.

I learned so much about my daddy from the tapes that I did that week so long ago.

I saw a side of him that he kept well hidden when I was growing up.

I asked him if he remembered the day that I was born, if he was disappointed that I was the 3rd girl. Why he named me Mary Louise. I asked if I looked like his mother who died before I was born. I asked what I was like as a baby and toddler.

So many questions that I had never taken the time to ask.

One of the last tapes that I reviewed made me tear up and smile at the same time.

There was Peggy, sitting at the kitchen table with Daddy. I heard her voice as she asked him questions and laughed. I watched as they interacted. I kept rewinding and rewinding the tape to see Peggy's smile and to see Daddy as they joked and laughed.

Two people that are gone from my life today.

Two people sitting at a kitchen table talking about  their lives and remembering.

I kept rewinding the tape to hear their voices and see their faces.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could rewind our lives to a day in the past and live those moments again in the present.

That is not possible but I can see my daddy and hear his voice anytime that I want and I can also see and hear Peggy the way that I remember her.

If you have parents, grand parents that are still with you make sure you do a video history starting with their earliest memories.

I learned so much from the tapes that I did so long ago and with the maturity of today, I thought of more questions that I wished that I had asked like,

What was Christmas like when you were a child?

But I did ask and get answers to many questions.

I learned about a beautiful woman who was wearing a blue dress with tiny pink flowers on it in 1935.

For one afternoon in February 2006, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my daddy and Peggy again, laughing, talking and remembering.

It was a nice afternoon.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

Mary Louise


Friday, February 3, 2006


I received a very touching E-mail this morning.

It was from my niece, Peggy's daughter.

 She said, in the mail, that she would never give up on her Mom and didn't want anyone in the family to give up on her either.

I told her that I too, will never give up and that I always pray that one morning, Peggy will just wake up.

My niece wanted prayers for her Mother's recovery and so...

I am writing on her behalf.

To the thousands of people who have read and continue to read this journal.....

Please, stop right now and say a prayer for Peggy.

No one who loves Peggy will ever give up on her and we continue to pray for her recovery.  I pray for peace in Peggy's heart and for peace, acceptance and continued learning in my own heart.


Bad things happen to Good people and Peggy is one of the good ones.

I pray for my nieces who have lost so much in the disappearance of their Mother. They are strong women and I am very proud of both of them.

My prayer is that we will find Peggy again....

Rose Macaulay wrote:

We know one another's faults, virtues, catastrophes, mortifications, triumphs, rivalries, desires and.....

How long we can each hang by our hands to a bar.

We have been banded together under pack codes and tribal laws.

We are sisters.

I Love You Today, Peggy!

We will never stop searching for you!

Mary Louise