I didn't feel like writing on Tuesday and Wednesday.
The calls are getting harder to make each day.
Peggy has no idea that she is talking with me. She has lost the ability to put a face to a voice or to know how to hang up the phone after I say good-bye.
It is odd to hear her familiar voice and feel as though I am talking with a stranger, but I am.
What can you say to a person who doesn't remember you any longer and cannot recall their own history.
Peggy and I were so close all of our years together. Now, I feel a sense of lost without her. There is no way to tell her how lost I am feeling and have her understand that concept.
It is difficult to deal with being forgotten. All my insecurities come to the surface as I wander in my mind to the possibility that I too, may get Alzheimer's. I have to fight to keep a healthy outlook or my fear would freeze me.
Some day's, I just cry as I deal with the empty space where Peggy used to be. She is so young to endure this terrible fate. We were supposed to grow old together and share our lives along the way. Now, there is only winter in our Summer chairs.
Today, Peggy was quiet as she answered my questions with one word. I wanted to scream through the phone and say..STOP THIS.... I Hate this. Just talk to me like you used to do. I felt frustrated while listening to her struggle. I wanted to say...Peggy, wake up..this isn't funny any longer. STOP IT...STOP IT right now!
Today, I wished that I could tell her about my week but she isn't there any more. I can't share with her any longer. She is not my best friend any longer and I morn that loss.
I am dealing with a stranger that I have known all of my life. A stranger who has little memory of me. A familiar, detached stranger who continues to move farther and farther away.
It is unsettling to remember so much about her and to know that she...didn't even know who I was this morning.
A Happy thought crossed my mind as I hung up the phone though....
At Least I wasn't Jim from last week!! (smile)
My heart is hurting this morning as I think about this stranger who used to be Peggy. There is no place more comforting than the arms of a sister and I know that I will never have that with Peggy, ever again.
Alzheimer's disease has entered her mind and sucessfully erased her memories of me.
It feels bad to be forgotten.....
Forgotten a. not remembered, not recalled,not recollected, lost, out of one's mind, erased from one's consciousness, beyond recollection, not recoverable, blanked out, lapsed.........
Peggy has forgotten that we are sister's but....
I Remember and will continue to remind her that she is loved. She might not remember what love is but I do. I remember...MySister...My Friend. Sometimes...We have to love, knowing that we will not be loved back.
I Love You Today, Peggy!